


Another Kind of Fandom Wank

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 39,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11001954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: After faking his death and leaving the Wizarding world behind, Severus unwittingly reunites with someone from his past in the most unlikely of places: online in aBlood Bathoryfan community.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007. All HP characters and concepts are copyrighted by JKR and WB; we aren't writing for profit, only fun. All Blood Bathory characters and concepts are copyrighted by us.

Severus adjusted his glasses and peered at the screen as the test simulation began to run. Once he was satisfied it was well underway, he pushed his rolling chair away from the desk with his bare toes and stretched languidly, the hem of his black pullover riding up and revealing tanned skin. He'd spent a couple of weeks at an extended workshop-and-retreat for programmers in California, and against his better judgment, he had allowed himself to be coaxed onto the beach, where he discovered his sallow skin turned a nice shade of bronze when exposed to the sun. 

Not that he had anyone who would notice or care. He rarely saw his clients face to face, and he hadn't had a lover in ages. He had been too busy to indulge in a social life, and that was fine with him. He had finally found a job he liked, and it was one that didn't require nearly as much direct communication with other people as teaching had. He had an assistant who handled the books and all communication that didn't require input from him, which meant he had time to focus on his work rather than having his nerves perpetually grated upon by idiots. Dierdre was very good at her job, and she had quickly figured out he didn't like to deal with the clients unless it was absolutely necessary, thus she found ways to filter what reached him better than any email spam blocker in existence.

Severus preferred to focus on the computers. Or rather, the security systems within the computers. That was his specialty: designing custom security systems. His clients were mostly small business owners who wanted to protect sensitive information from hackers, but he had individuals - usually wealthy people who wanted to protect their assets - and the occasional bigger business owner who requested his services too. Dierdre brought him a list of potential new clients at the end of the day, and he went through the list and selected those he would take on. As long as they could pay his fees - which were sizable enough to help narrow the field - and what they wanted offered a challenge, he accepted them, although there was a waiting list.

Over the past few years, he had slowly built his reputation until Prince Security Systems was known as one of the best in the field, and "Ethan Prince", as Severus was now known, was in demand, but he would not be rushed. He had four computers in his office which he used to build and test his systems; he had set up an internal infrastructure that allowed him to run hacker simulations from one computer on the other three, and he revised, fixed, and tweaked as needed. Once he was satisfied that the system was ready, he sent Clive or Kate to install it. Clive and Kate also provided technical support for their clients; just because Severus designed the systems to be idiot-proof did not mean idiots could successfully maintain them.

It was a good life; Severus enjoyed what he did, his hours were flexible, and best of all, he didn't have to put up with empty-headed adolescents anymore. He had erected privacy barriers in both his flat and his office so he could still use magic for convenience's sake, but he didn't miss the Wizarding world; he had no regrets about having left nearly eight years ago now.

At first, the only downside had been that he didn't have a built-in outlet for venting his spleen, and while no longer being a teacher had helped diminish his stock of spleen considerably, he still had little patience with or tolerance for stupidity. He just didn't have anywhere to channel the frustration any longer.

Until he began surfing the Internet.

Not only did he come across people more thick-headed, oblivious, and idiotic than his former students, but he also had a place to rage about them. Pir8Blocker became known - and in some cases feared - in the forums he frequented, and woe betide anyone who dared to challenge him. At first, he limited his attention and participation to forums connected to his field, using the message boards to learn of new developments and make contacts with other programmers. It was how he had learned about the retreat/workshop in California, and he had met several of his online acquaintances there, who expressed astonishment upon seeing him for the first time that the formidable Pir8Blocker was a skinny, pale, forty-something Englishman. Severus had been amused, fancying they had built him up in their minds as some sort of bulked up warrior - a young cyber Rambo with an excellent vocabulary.

But then along came _Blood Bathory_ , a new supernatural television programme in which the main character was a vampire. The Muggles had got it all wrong - as they usually did - and at first, Severus had watched the programme out of morbid curiosity just to see how execrable it really was. But somehow, he got sucked in, and this improbable tale of Elizabeth Bathory living as a vampire in the 21st century began to grow on him. It was Gothic and melodramatic, and Severus was convinced someone was going to travel through time using I Ching wands at any moment, but he _liked_ it.

Thus it was that at nearly midnight while his newly developed system was in beta testing, Severus turned on his laptop instead of going home, and on a whim fueled by Chinese food and too much cola, he googled "Blood Bathory" to see what turned up. The first links he found were to the official site and the imdb listing. He browsed both of those, but while the official site had a lot of bells and whistles (and wallpaper of "Will Trask", the human detective who was trying to hunt down Elizabeth Bathory and who was often sweaty and had his shirt conveniently ripped on a regular basis), it wasn't terribly interesting or informative. Severus downloaded the wallpaper and set it as his desktop background, and then he moved on.

After those listings, he found a few unofficial fan sites, but he ended his investigation of those when he found most of them had been designed by wanna-be Goth teenagers who thought it was cool and edgy to include white text on a black background and embed midis of Bauhaus that began blasting about five seconds after the site was accessed. The first time it happened, Severus nearly had a heart attack, and he took the precaution of muting his sound in case it happened again. The site with animated black roses falling down the page was the last straw, however, and he gave up on fan sites, focusing his search on message boards and mailing lists instead.

Television Without Pity hadn't picked it up yet, which was a shame; he rather liked the tone of that site. Mailing lists and forums were a bit thin on the ground, and he grumbled anew about the passing of an age thanks to the damned blog sites. At last, he found some kind of fan forum that looked promising. It was on one of those damned blog sites, but it was an open forum - a "community", they called it. Severus curled his lip and muttered, "How cozy", but it didn't stop him from browsing a few of the posts in [bloodbathoryfen](http://community.livejournal.com/bloodbathoryfen/).

He was disgruntled to discover that the same sort of Gother-than-thou adolescents who "designed" the annoying fan sites inhabited the community as well if their icons were anything to go by. Pictures of dead roses, funeral wreathes, and cemeteries abounded along with cropped images of classic vampire paintings and woodcuts, and in one notable case, someone whose blog was named hit the height of youthful pretension by using an icon that was nothing but a black square devoid of text or image.

But amid all the eyeliner and angst, Severus found some decent discussion of the programme, enough to keep him up reading posts and their accompanying commentary until nearly two o'clock in the morning. He was content to be a passive consumer, especially since he didn't have one of those Livejournal things, until he came across [a post](http://community.livejournal.com/bloodbathoryfen/5898.html) wittering about the historical accuracy of the programme, which was a joke, and how the person in question would have been horrified if the two male lead characters had kissed on-screen. He supposed he could have blamed fatigue and a lapse of good judgment brought on by the combination of MSG and cola for his subsequent actions, but he knew he would have done it even if it was broad daylight, and he'd just consumed a vegetarian plate.

The community didn't allow anonymous commentary, and so he registered for a blog, using the same nickname he used elsewhere. He then returned to the _Blood Bathory_ community, joined it, and posted a response to the idiot; he was more restrained than he could have been, not unleashing the full force of his vitriol, but he thought he got his point across well enough.

Satisfied with himself, he closed his browser, shut down his laptop, put on his shoes, and went home at last. The simulations would be finished in the morning, but he intended to have a nice lie-in before returning to work to begin the painstaking process of fixing the bugs and making whatever last minute tweaks were necessary before the system was ready to go.

* * *

"Oh, bloody hell."

Remus stared at his computer screen, frowning as he felt the beginnings of a headache coming on. Moderating a community of fans of a popular cult vampire TV show, most of whom were teenage girls, could be challenging to say the least, what with rampant hormones and even more rampant egos. Remus hoped he managed to be a calming influence when the various kerfluffles arose as they inevitably did. Most of them stemmed from hurt feelings over misunderstandings, which just needed a bit of mediation by someone with a cooler head, and Remus - or Rogue60, as he was known in the comm - had developed a reputation for level-headedness, so much so that a comment from him was often all that was needed to settle things right down. 

Sometimes, however, as it unfortunately appeared in this case, someone came along who seemed to determined to escalate wank into an outright flame war.

With a sigh, Remus clicked on the [information link](http://pir8blocker.livejournal.com/profile) for pir8blocker's journal. His instincts from reading the comments told him that this was no teenager, and the profile, as terse as it was, seemed to verify it. 

"So, you work with computers, eh?" Remus murmured, sitting back in his chair with a thoughtful frown. The interests listed for the man - and every instinct Remus had told him this was a man - sounded intriguing. "Horror films, vampire films, werewolf films... sounds like a man after my own heart. If you were only gay, you'd be just about perfect."

Remus chuckled at his own nonsense, shaking his head and sighing. It only went to show how lonely he was to be looking at the profile of an opinionated provocateur and wondering if he preferred men to women. He had no real complaints about his life, not really, not after quietly leaving the Wizarding world and living among Muggles without magic. Here he was accepted, and he could hide his lycanthropy behind a computer screen and an online identity which projected only the things he wished to show. 

His sympathetic online persona meant that he was often contacted by members of his community to help with their problems. This, too, was unsurprising, considering the way he earned his living was as an online counselor to patients with chronic conditions. It was surprising how many people wanted to talk to someone, yet also wanted to maintain a bit of distance, to pour out their souls without feeling naked in the process. It didn't pay a large amount of money, but combined with the sum Albus had left him in his will, it was enough that Remus was comfortable. He had a place to live, clothes to wear, meaningful employment, and even friends of a somewhat distant sort. If sometimes he craved more personal interaction, there were the various clubs of the London gay scene, where he could lose himself for a while in music and laughter that never really touched him, but it gave the illusion of social contact, and that was enough. On rare occasions, he even returned to visit with Harry and the others, spending a few smiling hours watching as they put their lives back together; but it had been about eight years now, and they had moved on just as he had, and of late, the contact had dwindled to birthdays and Christmas. Yet it didn't bother him too much; he was a loner by nature, and if that meant he was also lonely sometimes, that was just the price he had to pay.

Being a loner, however, didn't mean he was disconnected, at least not online, and he mulled over the problem of his wank-stirring community member for a few minutes, wondering what the best approach was. If the person was an outright troll, he'd have no qualms about bouncing them from the community permanently, but in this case, his instincts told him he was dealing with a highly opinionated and, from the tone of the post, highly educated person. This would take a bit more finesse, since Remus wouldn't mind having another older adult in the community to add to the discussions. So careful handling it would have to be, and as Remus opened a compose window in his mailtool, he was surprised to find himself smiling.

 

To: pir8blocker@livejournal.com  
From: rogue60@livejournal.com  
Date: April 5, 2006  
Subject: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

Hello there!

I'm rogue60, the moderator for the bloodbathoryfen community (and the sister comm, bloodbathoryfic). I'd like to welcome you to the community, and I do hope you will be an active participant in the discussions. We all share a love of the show, and it's rather fun to have a common interest to help find new people with whom to interact.

That being said, I can tell that you are both an older fan and one with a rather broader base of knowledge than most. From my research, it seems that the average fan in the community is around nineteen years old and female, and with that comes a certain level of sensitivity to what they might perceive as undue or harsh criticism. Now, I'm not telling you that you aren't entitled to your own opinion; you most certainly are, and I would defend your right to belong to the community as staunchly as I would that of any other member. However, might I request in the interest of keeping the community a place where people aren't afraid to express those opinions, that perhaps you consider expressing yourself in a way that isn't quite so provocative to other people? I know you might feel I have no right to ask this of you, but since I have to consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone in the community, I feel that I would be doing less than an adequate job as a mod if I didn't.

As far as that goes, I will tell you that I am also emailing lugosi_lives to point out that mockery of others is unacceptable and that she could offend people who have alternative lifestyles. I want to foster a welcoming environment for everyone, and her provocation was uncalled for.

I do hope you won't be offended by this; it is never my intent to be confrontational, but I realize that my perceptions are merely one half of the equation here. I also hope that you will remain and add your keen insight and unique point of view to the discussions; a community thrives on new members, especially ones of obvious eloquence and education.

Thank you for your time.

 

Respectfully yours,  
Rogue60

* * *

Severus rolled out of bed a little after ten o'clock the next morning and yawned his way to the loo. After brushing his teeth and hair, he scraped his hair back into a ponytail and went downstairs to pour a bowl of cereal and turn on his laptop so he could check his email before work. If any emergencies had arisen overnight, Dierdre would have emailed him, and he could fire off a response then and there rather than waiting until he showed up at the office to deal with it.

There was an email to his company account from Dierdre, but it wasn't an emergency, just a question about an invoice that was due to be sent for a recently finished system installation; he sat at his kitchen table in the plain grey flannel pajama bottoms and white tee shirt he'd slept in and wrote a terse response between bites of cereal.

To his amusement, the only other email he'd received overnight - aside from the usual spam - were to the web-based email account he used for his online interaction, all of which were responses to his comment on that Blood Bathory Fen community, one of them being an angry response from the person who wrote the post in the first place. Severus read it, shrugged, and deleted the notification, uninterested in engaging the terminally stupid. He was about to delete everything without looking, but then he noticed there was a real email amid the notifications, and he opened and read it.

It turned out to be a polite note from the community moderator, asking him to tone it down. Severus snorted. Apparently this Rogue60 person was worried about the fragile souls who participated in the community being unable to handle criticism. Then again, judging by lugosi-lives's response, perhaps Rogue60 was right.

Severus was tempted to delete the email and remove himself from the community; he had had enough to interacting with teenagers for one lifetime, and if the place was overrun by them, it wasn't somewhere he particularly wanted to be. Still, Rogue60 had recognized that he was older and more educated, and there had been some decent posts amid all the silly gushing. Severus wasn't about to admit he watched the programme to anyone he knew, and this was the only place he would be able to discuss it without admitting his guilty pleasure to others who would look at him askance for it - in spite of the fact that he knew good and well Dierdre was addicted to that stupid ballroom dance competition reality show, which was far more insipid than _Blood Bathory_ was.

Besides all that, something about Rogue60's email appealed to Severus' vanity; he rather fancied being an older, wiser figure in a place where people might actually _listen_ to him for once, and so he clicked "reply" rather than "delete".

 

To: rogue60@livejournal.com  
From: pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 5, 2006  
Subject: re: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

> That being said, I can tell that you are both an older fan and one  
> with a rather broader base of knowledge than most.

You are quite right about that, especially if lugosi_lives is any indication of the average intelligence of the members.

 

> From my research, it seems that the average fan in the community  
> is around nineteen years old and female,

I do hope you realize this is hardly an enticement. I am well over forty, single, and childless. I have no desire to commune with children.

 

> and with that comes a certain level of sensitivity to what they might perceive as undue or harsh criticism. 

Believe me, I am well acquainted with the delicate sensibilities of arrogant young people who assume they know everything and dislike being informed they are wrong on that point. I have never pulled my punches with anyone regardless of age, and I do not intend to do so now. If they cannot handle it, the problem is theirs, not mine. Since you asked nicely, I will attempt to be less obviously scathing, but I would not put much faith in my ability to resist calling an idiot an idiot when faced with rampant stupidity if I were you.

> I know you might feel I have no right to ask this of you,  
> but since I have to consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone in the community,

I don't suppose I have any hope of pleading a case of being sensitive to and offended by willfully uninformed ignorance? No? Alas. Then I will have to endure their brainless babbling, and you will probably have to smack my wrist again. Perhaps you ought to kick me out now and spare yourself the trouble, but if it is any consolation, I do indeed have keen insight and a more adult point-of-view to offer the community.

 

Pir8blocker

* * *

Friday was market day for Remus. He didn't particularly enjoy going to the shop, but Fridays were special, since the little bakery next to the Tesco five blocks over made their famous chocolate croissants. The scent of the pastries seemed to permeate the air, and Remus could force himself through the necessary chore of selecting eggs, butter, and vegetables and then standing in the queue by promising himself the reward of a croissant, the chocolate inside still warm and soft as he bit through the flaky layers of dough. It even made up for having had a particularly difficult client the night before, leaving him no time to even check his email before tumbling into bed, exhausted.

Shopping was a necessary evil, but Remus knew it was for his own good. It would be too tempting to subsist on Chinese takeaway or beans on toast, which wouldn't be healthy for him. Despite his solitary lifestyle, he had no desire to let himself go to seed, which necessitated the Friday shopping and the Wednesday outing to the laundrette. Since he didn't own a car and walked everywhere he went, he got a bit of exercise as well. 

The weather had been pleasant, and he had lingered over his treat, sitting at one of the tiny tables outside the bakery and enjoying the unseasonable warmth of the day. By the time he returned to his flat and put away his purchases, it was later than he normally got online, but he still didn't rush to the computer; the fallout from the wank stirred up by Pir8blocker might still be going on, and he had the awful feeling that if it were, someone might ask him to ban Pir8blocker from the comm. Banning someone, he thought, would be a sort of a failure for him as a mod; although why he cared so much about something that was only a hobby and didn't impact his professional standing no doubt showed that he was as overly sensitive in his own way as the most delicate of the members of his comm.

Finally, he sat down at the computer with a sigh, making certain he had a pot of tea at hand and a plate of biscuits for fortification. Then he opened his email and began to read.

Mercifully, the uproar seemed to be subsiding, probably due to the fact that a rumor had surfaced that the BBC was going cancel the show. Remus was certain it was a bunch of nonsense, but he blessed the timeliness of the panic it caused for diverting attention from Pir8blocker. Perhaps this could be weathered without hitting Fandom Wank, a nightmare which Remus was anxious to avoid.

He left the reply from Pir8blocker for last. Remus had thought there was probably a fifty-percent chance he'd receive a reply to his email, the other fifty-percent being that Pir8blocker would just leave the community and never be heard from again. Of course, the existence of a reply didn't necessarily indicate there wouldn't be nastiness contained within, and so Remus downed another cup of tea before clicking on the message in his browser and starting to read.

By the time he read the first bit of the reply, Remus found himself chuckling; oh, yes, his instincts had been right. Pir8blocker was definitely older and was possessed of a dry, biting sense of humor that appealed to Remus. In fact, he could almost hear the words in his head, uttered in a deeply toned drawl full of sarcasm. 

At that thought, his smile faded a bit, and he sighed; not for the first time since the end of the war, he thought of Severus Snape. Yes, the man had had an acid tongue and he was no saint, but he certainly hadn't deserved to die as he had, savaged by werewolves during the battle in which Voldemort had also been destroyed. It was a horrible death for anyone, but knowing how Severus had loathed lycanthropes and considering that Severus had been proven a hero after the war, Remus found it particularly sad and ironic. Perhaps it stayed with him after all this time because he had never managed to make peace with Severus as he had longed to do for years. Now he never would, but that didn't stop him from sometimes "hearing" things in his head in Severus' voice, especially when the words were dryly cutting or sarcastic.

Shaking his head, Remus forced himself back to the present. Pir8blocker was far too mild for Severus Snape, after all, and that was probably for the best when it came to keeping peace in the comm. True, the man was straight forward about not holding back, but all in all, his response wasn't as bad as it could have been. He was indeed mature and at least moderately reasonable, and Remus could deal with that. Not to mention the thought of him being over forty, single, and childless gave Remus rather wicked thoughts he had no right having. Still, Remus wanted to keep Pir8blocker around.

Hopefully, the rest of the comm would be just as accepting.

 

To: pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: rogue60@livejournal.com  
Date: April 7, 2006  
Subject: re: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

 

> You are quite right about that, especially if lugosi_lives is any indication of the average intelligence of the members.

I try to look on the bright side of things; at least the young can still be taught. Or perhaps hope just springs eternal.

>> From my research, it seems that the average fan in the community  
>> is around nineteen years old and female,

> I do hope you realize this is hardly an enticement. I am well over forty, single, and childless. I have no desire to commune with children.

Unfortunately, I think dealing with younger people is inevitable on the Internet; if it gets to be too much, you are welcome to vent to me about it. I promise I can take it and won't judge you for it.

> Believe me, I am well acquainted with the delicate sensibilities of arrogant young people who assume they know  
> everything and dislike being informed they are wrong on that point. I have never pulled my punches with anyone  
> regardless of age, and I do not intend to do so now. If they cannot handle it, the problem is theirs, not mine.  
> Since you asked nicely, I will attempt to be less obviously scathing, but I would not put much faith in my ability  
> to resist calling an idiot an idiot when faced with rampant stupidity if I were you.

Fair enough. I appreciate you making an effort to keep things a bit calmer. There really are some intelligent and mature young people among the fans; it's just that sometimes it might seem that the nuggets of gold must be mined from the dross.

> I don't suppose I have any hope of pleading a case of being sensitive to and offended by willfully uninformed  
> ignorance? No? Alas. Then I will have to endure their brainless babbling, and you will probably have to smack  
> my wrist again. Perhaps you ought to kick me out now and spare yourself the trouble, but if it is any consolation,  
> I do indeed have keen insight and a more adult point-of-view to offer the community.

I don't have any desire to kick you or anyone else out of the comm. For my part, I find your point-of-view interesting and unique, and I look forward to seeing more of it. I'm a student of mythology and folklore myself, and yes, I do find some parts of the show to be cheesy and over-the-top. But I still enjoy it. It's my guilty pleasure, I suppose, one that I can't share with anyone outside the comm. I suppose that's why I'm so protective of it!

Thanks for your response. I look forward to talking to you in the future!  
Rogue60

* * *

It was late afternoon before Severus had time to check his personal email account. The system test had revealed a couple of problems he hadn't anticipated and which proved to be time-consuming to fix. Once he had finished the troubleshooting, he set up the test to run again, and he retired to his desk to eat the cold sub Dierdre had dropped off several hours previously; the lettuce was wilted, and the bun was soggy, but he was too hungry to care. When he was engrossed, he tended to forget pesky details like eating and the passage of time, thus he was surprised to find it so late in the day. He leaned back in his chair and rolled his shoulders, reaching up with one hand to massage his neck. He was ready for a break, and he indulged in a bit of wandless magic to summon a cola from the mini-fridge to go with the sodden sub.

Opening up his laptop, he browsed a couple of his usual forums and responded to a thread or two before checking his email. He was somewhat surprised to find a response from Rogue60, and he opened it, curious to see if he had been kicked out of the community for his attitude and impertinence. He was even more surprised to find he had not been. On the contrary, it almost sounded as if Rogue60 wanted to engage him in conversation, which was not as novel as it would have been nearly ten years ago when Severus had been far less approachable, but it was still something of a surprise.

Not that he had relinquished his misanthropic ways entirely, of course, but being away from the Wizarding world and out of his role as a spy had done wonders for his temperament. He was, he thought, more like the man he should have been all along; he still possessed an edge, but he had been able to relax his guard, no longer worrying whether he was about to be killed by one side or the other during the war. As far as the Wizarding world was concerned, he had already died, and he was now free of all ties and obligations, and he never had to see any of the people who had made his life so difficult again. As improbable as it sounded, Severus Snape had mellowed, which allowed him to accept what Rogue60 had to say without bristling.

 

To: rogue60@livejournal.com  
From: pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 8, 2006  
Subject: re: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

> I try to look on the bright side of things; at least the young can still be taught.  
> Or perhaps hope just springs eternal.

An optimist. Oh, joy. Well, I shall leave you to hope for the best while I deal with the worst.

> Unfortunately, I think that dealing with younger people is inevitable on the Internet;

I wouldn't know. Until joining your "community", I avoided blogging sites and participated exclusively on forums related to my profession, where there are only adults working in the field. Certainly there is the occasional childish outburst, but there are no members under the age of 25, which creates a very different atmosphere.

> if it gets to be too much, you are welcome to vent to me about it.  
> I promise I can take it and won't judge you for it.

You may wish you hadn't made that offer. However, I may very well take you up on it if the children continue to be annoying. I will attempt to resist the urge to respond directly to them and direct my annoyance to you instead. Depending on how much time I have to read the community and how irritating they are, you may hear from me far more often than you would like.

> There really are some very intelligent and mature young people among the fans;  
> it's just that sometimes it might seem that the nuggets of gold must be mined from the dross.

It must require a mighty pickax indeed. No - that is unfair. I would not have bothered to join if I had not found something there to interest me. There is some decent discussion, and I, like you, find the programme to be a guilty pleasure, one I do not share with others, and yet I find I wish to discuss certain aspects of it with other people who share my interest.

For example, I find the use of Elizabeth Bathory rather than Dracula refreshing. People seem so fixated on Stoker's creation when there are several historical figures who are ripe for exploitation, and it is high time Bathory got some attention. Having a woman alleged to be so vain she bathed in blood in order to preserve her youthful appearance working in fashion was an inventive twist, and I suspect if the writers have any wit about them, they will create an interesting yin/yang relationship between Elizabeth and this "voodoo queen", since I doubt she will be a one-off character. At least I hope not; she is an intriguing character.

> I don't have any desire to kick you or anyone else out of the comm. 

Again, you may come to regret that, but it remains to be seen how well I will be able to hold my virtual tongue.

Pir8blocker

* * *

Remus was again surprised to receive a reply from Pir8blocker, but he was glad to see it. Not often, but occasionally, he encountered someone online who became more than just an Internet acquaintance, someone whom he could actually _talk_ to about things. He wasn't ready to say that he was there with Pir8blocker, certainly not so soon, but he sensed something of a kindred spirit in the words of the communication, and he felt intrigued enough that he wanted to continue "talking" to Pir8blocker.

 

To: pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: rogue60@livejournal.com  
Date: April 9, 2006  
Subject: re: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

> An optimist. Oh, joy. Well, I shall leave you to hope for the best while I deal with the worst.

You have a deal!

> I wouldn't know. Until joining your "community", I avoided blogging sites and participated exclusively  
> on forums related to my profession, where there are only adults working in the field. Certainly there  
> is the occasional childish outburst, but there are no members under the age of 25, which creates a very  
> different atmosphere.

I'm sure it does! My work is also online, where I deal with people with problems which can be dealt with, but never really solved; as such, I find the youth and carefree spirit of most of the comm members to be a refreshing change. I have been involved with other online fandoms in a minor way in the last few years, but this is my first stint with moderating a fandom community. It's certainly been an interesting experience.

> You may wish you hadn't made that offer. However, I may very well take you up on it if the children  
> continue to be annoying. I will attempt to resist the urge to respond directly to them and direct my  
> annoyance to you instead. Depending on how much time I have to read the community and how irritating  
> they are, you may hear from me far more often than you would like.

I don't wish for the children to annoy you, but I am quite happy to hear from you regardless. In fact, if you need a faster response than email for your concerns, please feel free to contact me on Y!M. My chat handle is Rogue60 there as well. I'm online for rather large portions of the day, so don't hesitate if you would like to chat.

> It must require a mighty pickax indeed. No - that is unfair. I would not have bothered to join if I had not  
> found something there to interest me. There is some decent discussion, and I, like you, find the programme  
> to be a guilty pleasure, one I do not share with others, and yet, I find I wish to discuss certain aspects of it  
> with other people who share my interest.

That's the beauty of communities - being able to share a passion to which you might otherwise not be able to admit.

> For example, I find the use of Elizabeth Bathory rather than Dracula refreshing. People seem so fixated on Stoker's  
> creation when there are several historical figures who are ripe for exploitation, and it is high time Bathory got some  
> attention. Having a woman alleged to be so vain she bathed in blood in order to preserve her youthful appearance  
> working in fashion was an inventive twist, and I suspect if the writers have any wit about them, they will create an  
> interesting yin/yang relationship between Elizabeth and this "voodoo queen", since I doubt she will be a one-off character.  
> At least I hope not; she is an intriguing character.

Oh, definitely! I am completely intrigued by the use of Elizabeth Bathory, who has been much overlooked in the vampire genre. She was a particularly evil and loathsome woman, and the use of her in a modern setting is delightful, and I agree about the fashion industry angle!

I am fascinated by Marielle as well. I have had some exposure to Vedun and the Orishas in my studies of magical folklore, and I'm hoping that they stay true to the spirit of it, not turning it into some watered down form of paganism or, perhaps worse, some mockery of itself. Done correctly, it could be utterly fascinating, but characterization is going to be everything.

>> I don't have any desire to kick you or anyone else out of the comm. 

> Again, you may come to regret that, but it remains to be seen how well I will be able to hold my virtual tongue.

If you need any help holding it, don't hesitate to contact me. I am always willing to be of assistance.

New episode coming up soon! Can't wait to see it; if you want to chat afterwards, I suspect I'll be online.

Yours,  
Rogue60

* * *

As much as it galled Severus to admit it, he wasn't as young as he used to be, and late nights took their toll. He had gone in to the office, not minding that it was Sunday because the empty office afforded him perfect peace and quiet, but he worked relentlessly and left late, heading straight home; he opened a tin of soup for dinner and went to bed, falling into a deep sleep and not waking until his alarm went off at six the next morning.

He went through his usual morning routine, although he skipped the forums after checking his company email in favor of checking his personal account. He was mildly curious - certainly nothing more than mildly! - to see if Rogue60 had responded, and he ignored the little flare of anticipation when he saw there was indeed an email from the community owner.

He opened and read it swiftly, and then he leaned back in his chair, his cereal forgotten and going soggy as he mulled over the email. Rogue60 must be one of those people who was open and gregarious, else he wouldn't have invited Severus to move from email to chat so swiftly. Probably Rogue60 had an extensive chat buddy list and preferred to chat, but Severus rarely chatted in such a way. It was easier and safer to email, where he could take his time to compose his response, but he wasn't a stranger to instant messaging either. He saved it for rare occasions when he needed to speak to a client more directly or he wanted to converse with an acquaintance from one of the forums. He supposed he wasn't fond of chatting because it was too immediate and too personal; it was easier to keep his distance in email.

The question he faced now was, did he want to keep his distance from Rogue60?

He let out a slow breath, flexed his fingers, and hit "reply".

 

To: rogue60@livejournal.com  
From: pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 10, 2006  
Subject: re: Welcome to bloodbathoryfen

My user id on Y!M is Pir8blocker (surprising, I'm sure). I will turn on the program when time permits, although it might not be until this evening. We can continue the discussion then. I am interested in knowing what it is you do and your thoughts on magical folklore. Perhaps we can compare notes.

Pir8blocker


	2. Chapter 2

There was no reason for Remus to be looking forward so much to the coming evening; after all, the next episode of _Blood Bathory_ wasn't until the following night. And yet after reading Pir8blocker's email, he was. It seemed like ages since he'd had an actual conversation with someone that was about something fun rather than about problems, and as the daylight faded, his anticipation grew. No doubt it was completely ridiculous, but Remus just couldn't help the way he felt.

He ate an early dinner, and then he indulged himself in the treat of a glass of wine as he sat down in front of his computer, adjusting his comfortable ergonomic chair just so. Then he logged on to Y!M, added Pir8blocker as a contact, and sat back to catch up on the comm while he waited for his new-found friend to arrive.

Severus was dawdling. There was no other word for it, not when he was finding anything to do aside from sitting down with his laptop and turning on his chat program. He had been second-guessing himself about the wisdom of agreeing to chat with Rogue60 all day; he liked computers and the Internet so much because they allowed him to keep a safe distance from people, and previous life experience had taught him that people tended to disappoint him at best, damage him at worst. He had social contact when he wanted it, but he could avoid it when he didn't want it, and he wasn't close enough to anyone for them to feel slighted if he wasn't around. However, something told him the situation with Rogue60 would be different.

Thus even after he finished the security system he had been wrestling with and prepared it for installation, he hadn't taken a break. He could have, and after finishing a system, he usually did give himself some down time before launching into another project. This time, however, he had handed the package over to Kate to take it to the client and install it, and he had immediately asked Dierdre for the portfolio of the next client in the queue. Dierdre had looked at him oddly, but she had brought it, and Severus immersed himself in thinking, planning, and designing as he studied the portfolio and learned what this particular client wanted and needed. By the end of the day, he had already begun taking notes on a rough proposal for the client; he was tempted to stay late and continue working on it, but Dierdre wouldn't let him.

"You've had enough for one day, Ethan," she said sternly, wagging her finger at him as she stood in the doorway of his office. "Go home and relax. You've earned it."

"But I could probably finish a draft of the proposal tonight," he said.

"The client has been waiting this long. A few more hours won't hurt. Go! And don't eat bloody take-away for dinner again. It wouldn't kill you to have a salad once in a while."

Severus grumbled his way out of the office, thinking not for the first time about how much Dierdre reminded him of McGonagall. It might have been why he hired her, which was not something he cared to dwell on too much. He did go home, however, and he stopped off to buy a few groceries and pick up a pre-made salad. Once he was home, he dawdled over preparing his evening meal, transferring the salad to a bowl, rooting around his fridge for dressing, and opening a bottle of wine. He changed clothes as well, trading the nicer, semi-business style trousers and button-down shirt he wore for sweatpants, a plain black tee shirt, and a pair of the thick wool socks he preferred because they kept his thin, bony feet warm.

Only then did he sit down at his kitchen table, open his laptop - and further stall by checking his company email, his personal email, the forums, and the Blood Bathory Fen community. When he had run out of things to do, he took a deep swallow of wine and opened his chat program, hesitating before connecting to his Y!M identity. He felt inexplicably like he had reached a point of no return, and that if he did this, his life would be irrevocably changed.

Which was ridiculous, he thought. Rogue60 was no different from anyone else he had chatted with, and he could stop any time he liked if things took a turn he didn't care for. He thought back to Trelawney, who had foretold doom and gloom for everyone. Severus had never considered himself a Seer or thought he had the slightest talent for - or interest in - Divination. It was natural apprehension over making a new acquaintance, that was all.

Bracing himself, he connected and added Rogue60 to his contact list. He wasn't at all surprised to find Rogue60 was already online, and Severus took a deep breath, clicked Rogue60's name to open a new chat window, and typed "Hello".

The evening had grown late, and Remus felt his anticipation replaced with resignation as Pir8blocker failed to come online. He reminded himself sternly that people had lives outside of the Internet, and that was probably what had interfered. It was also ridiculous for him to assume that just because he had been looking forward to chatting, the other man had felt the same, even if he had expressed interest in continuing the discussion. It was not a big deal, really. There was no reason for him to feel let down.

Yet he did.

When he had finished catching up on the comms and his emails, Remus idly googled to see if there was more Will/Evan fanfiction than what had been posted to , and he was pleasantly surprised to find a decently sized group of stories on another site. When he began to read, he realized that most of it was dreadful - if the average age in his comms was nineteen, the average age here must have been twelve - but there were a few short works by an author named lizbathory that were actually quite good, or at least they seemed so in his opinion. He thought for a moment, and then he composed a quick email to the author to inform her about the communities and invite her to join. 

Just as he hit _send_ on the email, his Y!M client chimed to alert him someone had come online, as it had a few times over the course of the evening, although no one had contacted him, and he hadn't wanted to get embroiled in a discussion with anyone else in case Pir8blocker showed up. He couldn't resist peeking at his buddy list, however, and his eyes widened as he saw that it was, at long last, the very person for whom he had been waiting.

He was tempted to initiate a chat immediately, but he held back, not wanting to appear like some desperate loner who had been waiting to pounce. In fact, he decided to let Pir8blocker contact _him_ , if he wished. His resolve lasted for all of fifteen seconds, and he was about to contact Pir8blocker when a window popped up on his screen, causing him to smile.

 **Rogue60:** Oh, hullo there! How are you?

Severus tucked a stray tendril of hair that had fallen free of his ponytail behind his ear and gave a quiet little snort at Rogue60's greeting. He had noticed Rogue60's fondness of exclamation points and the chipper tone that conveyed itself even in writing. He assumed Rogue60 was male, and he could imagine him as being one of those annoyingly cheerful people who smiled all the time and wished you a nice day whether you wanted it or not.

 **Pir8blocker:** Well, thank you. Glad to be home. It has been a long day.

It wasn't quite true, since he could have cut his day short earlier if he'd wanted to, but he didn't care to admit he had been stalling out of nerves to a virtual stranger.

Remus couldn't help smiling at the rather formal tone of the reply, but that was fine. He loathed netspeak, and he was happy Pir8blocker was as well "spoken" in chat as he was in email. He hummed under his breath, enjoying himself already.

 **Rogue60:** Sorry to hear it was long; I know what that's like. Hopefully the evening will be better for you now.

 _So far, so good_ , Severus thought. He leaned back in his chair and tucked one leg beneath him, relaxing a little now that the ice had been broken. He pushed his glasses up and hunched over his keyboard as he typed his response.

 **Pir8blocker:** As long as you don't start behaving like one of the children from the community, it will be. What is it that you do, anyway?

Remus laughed out loud.

 **Rogue60:** Check. No emotional whining, no arrogant assertions that I know exactly what the writers are thinking, and no being a delicate flower with easily hurt feelings. I can handle that, if I might possibly be permitted to squee a bit about the show and the stars. As far as what I do, I'm an online counselor for people with chronic incurable conditions, things like diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or Lupus, and some people with ongoing mental health issues.

Severus blinked, startled by that revelation. Rogue60 was a far more compassionate, patient person than Severus was to be able to fulfill that role. The thought of chronic conditions made him think of Remus Lupin; lycanthropy qualified as a chronic, incurable condition, to be sure. There were no counselors for newly turned werewolves, but somehow he thought if there were, Lupin would have been one of them.

 **Pir8blocker:** A most admirable line of work, not one most people are willing or able to pursue. My own field is far less altruistic, but it suits me.

He paused, debating how much he wanted to reveal to someone he had only just met. Being in the security business, he was even more aware than most of the dangers threatening a person's online security, and it had made him cagey. In the end, he decided to remain vague for now. Perhaps if they continued to converse, he would be more forthcoming, but right now, he preferred to play it safe.

 **Pir8blocker:** Squee? I assume that involves high-pitched noises only dogs can hear. Other than that, the term is new to me. Remember: I am new to fannish forums.

It wasn't lost on Remus that Pir8blocker wasn't forthcoming in offering up information about himself, but he didn't mind. Some people were open and gregarious online, while others were reserved and needed to be drawn out. Remus was in no rush; when and if Pir8blocker was ready to share information about himself and his profession, he would do so. 

**Rogue60:** It's good to find a line of work where you are comfortable and happy. I don't know that what I do is admirable, since my personality seems well suited for listening to people who need to talk about their problems. Sometimes it's easier to open up to a stranger, especially one you don't have to look in the eye. In that way, I think the Internet has been a very good thing for people who might not otherwise have sought the help they needed.

Remus raised a brow at the comment about not knowing the term, and then he grinned in delight. Oh, Pir8blocker had a lot to learn about fandom!

 **Rogue60:** Yes, squee is an expression of delight, and I am certain that most of the girls in the comm could make noises up in that range; in fact, I'm sure I heard it the first night Evan took off his shirt like a chorus rising up around London. It is but one of the many words which will be added to your vocabulary.

Severus nodded agreement even though Rogue60 couldn't see him - which was probably for the best. He found communicating in writing to be much easier for him, and he rather liked the relative anonymity the Internet offered; it seemed he was not alone in that. He was a little surprised to learn Rogue60 lived in London too; he made a mental note to avoid mentioning his location in case Rogue60 was one of those types who liked to meet face-to-face. Severus was nowhere near ready for that yet, and he wasn't certain he ever would be. He preferred being anonymous and faceless.

 **Pir8blocker:** The idea of speaking to a faceless counselor appealing to certain types of people makes sense to me. Revealing fears and vulnerabilities is not easy, and it is nearly impossible for some people. I imagine it is far easier when one can pretend the counselor isn't actually real.

He read the response regarding the word "squee" and let out another snort, louder this time. No doubt the removal of Evan's shirt had indeed caused much "squee" from the dewy-eyed girls watching. He peeked furtively at his desktop wallpaper and decided not to mention that he preferred Will. He didn't particularly care to out himself at this point, not when his sex life was nonexistent anyway.

 **Pir8blocker:** I will refrain from emitting "squee" over anything and adhere to normal expressions of delight, if you don't mind. I cannot imagine ever having occasion to "squee" ; I assure you, I am not the type. That said, I would not object to a quick lesson about what to expect in fannish circles. They are quite different from anything I have experienced before.

Remus decided to leave the discussion of his job, since it could very quickly turn into something far deeper than Pir8blocker would probably care to indulge in for a first chat. He got the feeling, however, that Pir8blocker had more than passing experience with bottling up fears and vulnerabilities. Experience did tend to make one more sympathetic to the same suffering in others, as Remus knew all too well.

 **Rogue60:** Ah, well, so long as you don't mind my occasional squeeing over things, then we shouldn't have a problem. You'll just have to tell me when something delights you so that I'll be certain to notice. 

**Rogue60:** I think you'll find fandom is a bizarre and interesting place. There are a wide variety of people in it, despite what I said about the "average" fan. Over the weeks since I started the comm, I've noticed that there are certain, um, types, if you will, among the people there. Probably the most numerous and loudest are the Goths, people who seem to be fascinated by the whole death and blood and horror aspect of the show. You'll find they know a great deal about vampirism, if you count being able to quote every Hollywood film on the subject from memory as knowledge. Then there are the science fiction fans, who tend to like any show that touches on things outside the norm. The rest seem to be a smattering of people, from fans of the actors who will watch any show they are in, to ones who just like the, um, _scenery_.

Severus read over what Rogue60 had written and sat back, digesting the information. He already agreed with the part about fandom being bizarre, although he hadn't been around long enough to notice the different types Rogue60 had described. None of them sounded very interesting except perhaps on a sociological level; indeed, he thought now more than ever he would likely be hard-pressed to hold his tongue, especially if any of them quoted films as being authoritative resources.

 **Pir8blocker:** Which type are you?

The question surprised even Severus, but he found he was curious as to where Rogue60 fit into this picture. Somehow, he didn't seem like the "Goth" type; he was too bloody chipper to be enamored of death.

Remus blinked at the question, and then he laughed and decided to venture a bit more information. He needed to be subtle, however, so that he didn't scare Pir8blocker off if he reacted negatively.

 **Rogue60:** Initially I started watching because I was interested in what their take on Elizabeth Bathory would be; as you said, Vlad Tepes has been, if you will pardon the expression, done to death. I had studied her from both an historical and mythological perspective, and I wanted to see what they would do with the premise. 

**Rogue60:** Of course, I realized they are paying lip service to the historical part, but by that time, I was sucked in by the scenery and the storytelling. It really is a fascinating story, even with its flaws.

 **Pir8blocker:** So it truly is a guilty pleasure for you. You mentioned being a scholar of mythology and folklore, yet you are drawn to this inaccurate tripe nonetheless. You and I seem to be in a similar position in that respect. I have a strong background in similar areas, but I find myself captivated by Blood Bathory in spite of the problems and improbabilities.

That was an interesting bit of information, and Remus found himself more intrigued than ever. He and Pir8blocker had more in common than just their ages, and that pleased him immensely. Even if he hadn't seemed to pick up on the comment about the scenery. Ah, well - it had probably been too much to hope for.

 **Rogue60:** Yes, that's basically it for me. I've watched a great many of the cheesy vampire and werewolf films, and while I find them amusing, none of them has sucked me in the way that this show has done. I like the characters a great deal, and I like the storyline, no matter the fallacies of its premise. I just don't really talk to anyone about it, not outside the comms. Most of the people I know would find even my academic interest morbid, I think. I don't want them to have reason to mock me for my hobby.

 **Pir8blocker:** Yes, I understand what you mean. One of my employees loves that ridiculous ballroom dance programme, yet she would be the first to look at me as if I were the odd one if I admitted I watch Blood Bathory. But there is something oddly appealing about it. The characters are sympathetic and interesting, and while the cliffhangers are annoying, I confess they have adequately hooked me. I thought it was particularly clever to have Elizabeth and Anna trading ownership of the fashion house.

 **Rogue60:** Yes, that was a brilliant way to explain their "longevity" without having to resort to any bizarre plot devices. Although I have to admit to both anticipating and dreading tomorrow night's episode. I shall be very disappointed if the Voodoo is done badly. In fact, I - oh. Hang on...

Another chat window popped up on Remus' desktop; it was Jason, one of his clients who was suffering from a degenerative nerve illness which often left him sleepless and in pain. Jason had been close to suicide on at least two other occasions, and when things seemed particularly bad or difficult, he often contacted Remus to help him through. For the first time in a long time, Remus resented his job and resented being called away from the most enjoyable contact he'd had in a long time. But there was no help for it, not this time, and Remus could only hope that Pir8blocker would understand.

 **Rogue60:** Sorry about that. I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut our conversation short, as much as I dislike doing so because I've been enjoying talking to you a great deal. Unfortunately, a client has contacted me with a problem that simply can't wait, and it's serious enough to need my whole attention. I do hope you will forgive me; this happens sometimes. I just regret it happened tonight. Perhaps you'd be willing to chat after the episode tomorrow? We can discuss what happened...

Severus squelched the disappointment he felt over having to end the conversation; in spite of his initial trepidation, he had found himself relaxing and enjoying the conversation too. He hadn't expected to have so much in common with Rogue60, but now that he knew how alike they were in some ways, he thought it might be interesting to engage in conversation again, perhaps even develop an acquaintanceship. Not a friendship, of course; he wouldn't allow things to go that far. But having someone to talk to more in-depth about the programme would be acceptable.

 **Pir8blocker:** Yes, I am willing to discuss tomorrow's episode with you. Depending how work goes, I may not be available for chatting, but I will email you, or you are welcome to email me if you find you cannot contain your "squee".

Remus couldn't help it; he laughed again, delighted by Pir8blocker's dry wit. Their whole conversation had been delightful, and he was looking forward to continuing it.

 **Rogue60:** That sounds like an excellent plan. Again, I'm sorry for having to leave so precipitously, and I look forward to speaking to you again. I hope you have a pleasant night, and I'll "squee" at you tomorrow!

Severus rolled his eyes, but he was amused in spite of himself.

 **Pir8blocker:** Fine, as long as you do not expect me to return the favor. Good night.

With that, he disconnected his chat program, although he didn't close the lid of his laptop; instead he sat and stared thoughtfully at the screen. He hadn't known what to expect from Rogue60, but he was pleasantly surprised by what he had found. He was looking forward to Tuesday evening for more reasons than one, which was a pleasant change of pace. He hadn't had anything to anticipate like this in far too long, and his only regret was that the conversation hadn't lasted longer.

* * *

Remus was looking forward to the coming evening even more than he had before. He'd helped out with Jason's problems without it necessitating a call to the police to go to Jason's house, which was a huge relief, and it was also satisfying to know he'd given someone hope. The episode of _Blood Bathory_ was going to be the resolution of a two-part cliffhanger, and he had someone to talk it over with who shared his interests and whom he found he liked a great deal. Could life get much better?

The show wasn't until ten PM, but Remus had a great deal to do before then, writing up notes about Jason since he'd had to sleep in after staying up until almost four AM talking to the young man. After he'd gotten his paperwork out of the way, there was housework, then showering and eating and running a brief errand to the bookshop to pick up a cinema magazine that was doing a whole layout on the show and its stars. Then he had to drool over the photographs from up-coming episodes, some of which seemed to be a bit spoilery for the mid-season climax which was happening the following month. The sight of a pale and ill-looking Evan in Will's arms seemed quite promising indeed.

Then it was time to turn on the television and sit curled up on his sofa with a bowl of popcorn, a childhood habit that he just couldn't seem to break. The snack remained uneaten, however, as Remus watched the episode unfold and stared at the screen in slack-jawed amazement. If it hadn't been for the commercials, no doubt he would have been a drooling, mindless puddle of lust by the time it ended.

When it finally was over, Remus swallowed and shifted in his seat with a sigh. Becoming aroused over the sight of a sweating, nearly naked actor bound and writhing on an altar was probably pathetic in a man his age, but he couldn't help it. He'd not had a lover in a long time, and the images displayed so provocatively on the screen reminded him of needs and desires that he had suppressed for too long.

Not that he had an outlet now, at least not for the lust, but he was bursting to talk to someone about it. No, he wanted to talk to Pir8blocker about it, and he wanted to do it right now.

Crossing to his desk, Remus woke up his computer and turned on chat, looking to see if Pir8blocker was online. Unfortunately, however, he wasn't, and so with a sigh, Remus opened his email.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: Wow

Words fail me. That was _amazing_! The emotions and raw intensity came through loud and clear. It was probably the best episode yet, and it... well, let's just say I found it moving in more ways than one! What did you think? I'm certain there will be a plethora of discussion about this! 

I can't wait to hear your reaction. If you're online, I'll be back in a few minutes. After watching that, I'm not sure if I need a drink, a cold shower, or both!

Rogue

* * *

Of all the things Severus had expected to see when he sat down to watch the new episode of _Blood Bathory_ , Evan tied up and writhing on an altar was not one of them. Granted, he found Will Trask the more appealing of the two characters, but it was difficult to remain immune to the sight of a young, nubile man straining against his bonds, his skin glistening with sweat and his breathing shallow as if he was experiencing as much pleasure as he was pain from the voodoo ritual.

It didn't help that Will was screaming things like "Hold on! You can't die! I can't lose you!" while being forcibly held back by Marielle's minions. There were scantily clad voodoo priestesses all around, yet it seemed Will and Evan only had eyes for each other. Not that Severus could blame them, but he did wonder if the creators of the programme realized how homoerotic that scene really was.

He was flushed and flustered by the time the programme ended, and there was no way he could chat with Rogue60 with any degree of calm after that. It had been too long since he'd indulged in a one night stand to appease his physical appetites, and what he had seen appealed to him far too strongly. Instead, he fetched an ice cold bottle of water and went to stand outside on his balcony for a few minutes, letting the chilly night air wash over him and cool his ardor.

When he went back inside at last, he hesitated, debating the wisdom of talking to Rogue60 tonight, but he went to his laptop anyway and checked his email before turning on his chat program. He wasn't surprised to find an email from Rogue60, but he _was_ surprised by the contents. Either Rogue60 was very liberal and intrigued by alternative lifestyles, or maybe - just maybe - he was gay too.

Or he was a woman. Severus had been assuming Rogue60 was a man, but perhaps he wasn't, and Severus began searching frantically through the emails and chat logs for any clue regarding Rogue60's gender. Unfortunately, there wasn't any clear confirmation one way or the other, but Severus held out hope that Rogue60 was indeed male based on the way he referred to the girls of the community as if excluding himself from their ranks.

And then he immediately berated himself for holding out such hope, because it ought not matter one bit whether Rogue60 was male or not. This was hardly one of those hook-up communities, and they would not be meeting for hot, raw, steamy sex involving ropes.

Severus took another deep swallow of cold water and pushed those thoughts out of his mind.

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

I think the creators took a considerable risk. That, or they were somehow completely unaware of the homoerotic subtext that was barely subtext. I find it difficult to believe that is the case, so I must wonder if they are playing to the fans or merely exhibiting a level of liberalism not seen before in mainstream television. If so, I applaud their bravery, and I will be curious to see whether they continue in this vein (no pun intended) or pull back to avoid offending more conservative viewers. Although I don't doubt the Will/Evan fans will be "squeeing" to high heaven over this.

On a personal level, I found it quite intense. Considering your comment about needing a cold shower, I assume you will not be shocked if I admit I felt the need to do the same. Indeed, I have a bottle of very cold water close at hand even now.

 

Pir8blocker

 

Severus hit "send" before he could talk himself out it or erase anything, and he leaned back in his chair, his stomach knotted, as he waited for Rogue's reply.

* * *

It had taken both a frigid shower plus a glass of wine to cool Remus down enough that he could sit at the computer without feeling uncomfortable. He'd thought about relieving the pressure in a more direct way, but somehow the thought of solitary pleasure didn't hold any appeal for him. He'd rather talk with Pir8blocker about the show than think about how alone he truly was - not just the lack of a lover, but the lack of someone to share his life.

Feeling cooler in both mind and body, Remus checked his email and was delighted to see a reply from Pir8blocker. His eyes widened as he read the response and absorbed the rather obvious implications. He supposed that his new-found friend could be a particularly butch female, but he trusted his instincts that Pir8blocker was all male. And if his mind wasn't playing tricks, Pir8blocker was at least bisexual, perhaps even gay.

A thrill went down Remus' spine, and he swallowed against a suddenly dry mouth. What were the odds that he would encounter someone who shared not only his interests, but his sexuality as well, especially in a community that was largely young and female? It seemed almost like fate, and yet he couldn't let himself get too carried away with flights of fancy. 

But that didn't mean he couldn't at least test the waters. To what end, he wasn't yet certain, but he was deeply curious to learn more.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

Well, I'm certainly glad I'm not the only one to get a bit carried away by the homoerotic imagery! It was very well done, so much so that I am quite certain the producers knew _exactly_ what they were doing. I, too, applaud them for it, and I'm ecstatic at the thought that a homosexual relationship might find fans on a popular television series. Having had to be circumspect about my sexuality for the whole of my life, it seems almost like vindication; that it springs from my favorite show is just the icing on the cake.

So, do you have a preference between Will and Evan? I certainly wouldn't kick either of them out of my bed, given the choice. Of course, it's easier in some ways to lust after fictional characters portrayed by pretty men because they are "safe" and known quantities. On the other hand, it's not nearly as satisfying, but at this point, I'll take what I can get.

I'm glad I recorded the episode.

Rogue

* * *

Severus' heart sped up when he saw the response from Rogue appear in his inbox, although he was annoyed with himself for the reaction. He took another drink of cold water, forcing himself to stop being foolish and behave like an adult, not some adolescent receiving a note from his first crush. He was certainly not crushing on someone he had met online!

He read the email swiftly, and his throat went dry again at the explicit confirmation of Rogue's gender _and_ sexuality. Damn. Now he no longer had the excuse that Rogue was female or straight to keep his wayward reactions under control. Well, he had never been one to let his emotions or urges get the best of him, and he wasn't about to start now. He would be honest, but he would not give in to any stray temptations.

With renewed determination, he hit "reply".

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

Somehow I doubt they will ever allow the relationship to develop into a full-fledged homosexual romance. I am too cynical to believe they will allow the leading characters be gay. The most I hope for is continued subtext that we may elaborate on in our imaginations - or in explicit stories, such as those I have seen linked to in your community.

I do understand the desire for vindication, however. I have kept my own preferences hidden. I doubt anyone I used to work with knew or even suspected I am gay, and my employees likely have no idea either. Of course, it has been a non-issue for so long, I may as well be asexual.

Not that I am completely immune. Since you ask, I will confess to having a preference for Will over Evan. Will is handsome rather than pretty - much more my type. As you say, it is far safer to fix my interest on a fictional man. I have found them to be far more reliable and less dangerous than real ones.

 

Pir8blocker

* * *

The whoop of delight Remus let out upon reading Pir8blocker's email echoed through his small flat, and he knew he was grinning like an idiot. "I _knew_ it!" he crowed at his computer, pleased beyond all reason at having been right. It was probably a rather sad commentary on the state of his social life that he was so delighted to find out an online acquaintance was gay, particularly one to whom he felt a certain kinship because of their interests, but there it was. Happiness, he had found, was relative.

He sat back down, contemplating how to respond. This had gone well beyond the limits of fandom into something much more personal, since Remus didn't talk about his sexuality much and never had. It wasn't that being gay was a hanging offense in the Wizarding world - really, when faced with Dark wizards, what was there to fear from a queer? - but still it was a private matter, one that he had never brought up to his friends at school. Lycanthropy they could deal with, of course, but an admission of homosexuality might have been too much even for them.

Which had turned out to be a bad move when Tonks had decided she was desperately in love with him, and he had dawdled indecisively for months, wondering whether he should be forced out of the closet by her amorous machinations. He'd played along for a while, feeling guilty about it, until finally, he confessed to her. She hadn't been happy, not at all, but as it turned out, she had accepted it as a valid reason for them not to be together in a way she had never accepted any of his other arguments. It turned out he could have saved them both months of aggravation just by coming clean. It was a life lesson he seemed doomed to repeat.

This was what was giving him pause now as he stared at the screen and thought about the fact that he had somehow, through fortunate chance, found someone who shared his interests and his sexuality. It was far, far too soon to think anything could come of this beyond friendship, and yet the _possibility_ of more left his heart pounding in his chest. A kindred spirit, that's what Pir8blocker was; what remained to be seen was if he would ever be more than that.

Still, Remus hesitated over his reply, suppressing his desire to gush or to ask for Pir8blocker's address. Hell, he didn't even know the man's real name! He didn't want to act like an adolescent in the throes of a first crush, even if that was rather how he felt at the moment. 

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

Well, it seems we have even more in common than just Blood Bathory and a love of mythology!

I hope they continue to push the envelope with this relationship; I believe the plethora of slash stories in fandoms of all types proves there is a general market for it. With gay marriage now being legal and so many celebrities tying the knot publicly, I think there is at least a chance there could finally be a gay romance for mainstream television. Particularly since science fiction fans in general seem more tolerant than most.

It's been a long time since I've been involved with anyone as well, not because of social pressure so much as my own rather introverted ways. It's not than I'm antisocial or ashamed, or anything like that. I suppose I'm merely a private person. None of my closest friends even knew I was gay, and it wasn't until a female friend became rather insistent on pursuing me that I finally came out in general. In retrospect, I wish I'd done it years before! But even being "out" didn't mean that a long-term relationship magically appeared for me, so I suppose I'm still waiting.

I'm certain that was far more information than you probably wished to know, but it seems that I, like the people I counsel, find it easier to be open like this. Don't feel any pressure to share your own experiences, not unless you really want to, all right? Just because I have developed a bad case of confessionalitis doesn't mean I expect you to do the same! I will happily listen, of course, to anything you wish to say, but I don't want you to go running off, thinking I'm some sort of loon who expects you to tell me your life story at the drop of a hat!

So, as the the important question - Will or Evan? I have a preference for Evan, but it's only a slight one. He has an inner darkness which I understand all too well. The fact that he doesn't give into it is something I find very attractive.

Rogue

* * *

Damn!

Severus stared at Rogue's reply with growing dismay. Not only was Rogue male, gay, and living in London, but he was single, too. It was as if Destiny had come up and smacked Severus on the back of his head, but he didn't want to be smacked. He liked his quiet, peaceful life just as it was, and taking a lover, even temporarily, would cause a disruption to the steady flow of his days.

He looked down at himself. He was forty-six years old, and while he wouldn't reach middle age by Wizarding standards for another fifteen to twenty years, he was no spring chicken either. He was skinny, and once his California tan faded, he would be sallow again; he had a penchant for loose, comfortable sweatshirts which he usually managed to spill food on because he ate while hunched over his laptop. Hardly a catch for anyone even if the big nose and surly temper weren't taken into consideration.

With a sigh, he put all thoughts of a fling with Rogue aside. Even if he wasn't unattractive, he wasn't suitable for someone like Rogue, who was patient and kind - everything Severus was not. Feeling oddly let down, he hit "reply".

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

> With gay marriage now being legal and so many celebrities tying the knot publicly,  
> I think there is at least a chance there could finally be a gay romance for mainstream television.   
> Particularly since science fiction fans in general seem more tolerant than most.

There is that, I suppose. The tide seems to be changing, albeit slowly, although I still retain my cynicism as to whether television executives will have the balls to feature a gay relationship between leading characters. That seems like too great a risk, and there are still many conservative thinkers in the world. If they wish the programme to succeed, they must think about ratings and audience. Although I suppose one advantage to having a homosexual couple featured so predominantly is that it would garner a great deal of publicity for the programme, and as they say, even bad publicity is still good publicity.

> In retrospect, I wish I'd done it years before! But even being "out" didn't mean that a long-term relationship  
> magically appeared for me, so I suppose I'm still waiting.

I have not come out, not due to fear or concern about what others think. It merely seemed pointless to bother. I suppose some measure of self-preservation was involved while I was at school. I dealt with enough bullying without giving my tormentors more ammunition; it wasn't as if there were suitors forming a queue at my door anyway. Then my social life was subjugated by my work. I had an important job to do, and having a relationship was not practical at the time.

When I struck out on my own, my time was poured into building my business. I suppose now that I have achieved a measure of success, I could afford to come out and pursue more social interests. However, I am hardly a catch, being neither young nor attractive, and I have no desire for some little club tart to latch onto me for my money. While I am not rich, I am quite comfortable and likely to move from "comfortable" to "quite cozy indeed" if business continues as it has done the past couple of years.

Thus there seems to be no need to come out. I have nothing in the way of a sex life, and I have no plans to become embroiled in a relationship, thus my sexuality is a non-issue. I would come out if I had a reason to do so, but I see no point in announcing "I'm gay" to all and sundry when I am single and celibate and will remain that way.

> He has an inner darkness which I understand all too well.   
> The fact that he doesn't give into it is something I find very attractive.

With the demeanor you project, I find it difficult to believe you understand anything about darkness. I suppose perhaps you see it in the despair of those you work with, but real inner darkness? What do you know of that?

 

Pir8blocker

* * *

Pir8blocker's email seemed to Remus to speak of a loneliness as great as his own, while the words about bullying in school once again brought Severus Snape to mind. Remus winced, wishing yet again that he could have had an opportunity to apologize to Severus for the things he had done - or rather what he _hadn't_ done. It was made all the more poignant in his mind by the question about darkness; there were many things which contributed to Remus' inner demons more than just the curse of Lycanthropy, things that served as a reminder one didn't have to be cursed to be a monster.

Remus hesitated, staring at the email in indecision. He suddenly felt unworthy of finding happiness, of pursuing it in even so nebulous a fashion while he still had a burden on his soul. He couldn't apologize to Severus; it was far too late. He couldn't even go to Severus' grave to apologize because the Ministry had burned the bodies of the Death Eaters who had died in order to destroy any lingering Dark magic that might help them survive somehow as Voldemort had done after the first war. But if Pir8blocker had been bullied, he would understand even if the people who had tormented him would probably never offer any expressions of regret. He couldn't confess his lycanthropy to a Muggle, but neither did he want to continue this relationship, such as it was, on false premises. Even if Pir8blocker seemed determined to remain celibate, Remus found himself wanting to change his mind.

Drawing in a deep breath, Remus clicked reply and began to type.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

Let me address your last question first; strangely enough, it relates in a rather immediate way to everything we've been discussing. 

I've seen darkness in myself in a very fundamental way, but the part which applies most here is not in any direct evils I have done, but in the good I have failed to do. You've said that I have patience, and that is true, but there was a time in my life when that patience was probably indistinguishable from cowardice. You see, my friends didn't know I was gay, but they knew other things about me, things that would have made my life miserable had they been disclosed So I stood by and let my friends get away with reprehensible behavior at the expense of other people, something I should not have done. 

I have felt the burden of that for many years, and I have no way now to make amends for the wrongs others suffered because of my inability to do the right thing. I know it was a long time ago, but there is a part of me that can never forgive myself for putting my own welfare above that of others. If I could go back and change it, I would, or if I could make restitution, I would do so happily. Instead I must live my life knowing that my evils have caused others to suffer, and it's sometimes a heavy burden to bear. This is why your comments about having been bullied actually made me flinch when I read them; you have gone through something which I allowed others to suffer but could have prevented. As bizarre as it sounds, I'd like to offer an apology to _you_ , on behalf of those who paid a price for _my_ selfishness. I know it doesn't make up for what you suffered or for what I did, but I feel compelled to offer it anyway. 

Of course, there is much here I am not saying, as I'm certain you can tell. There are so many nuances and so much history that it would take days for me to go through it all. Suffice it to say, however, if darkness is something that eats at your soul and makes you realize any happiness you have has only come at the expense of others, then I know it all too well. See? I'm not any better than anyone else for being patient and listening to other people's problems; I listen to them because I have both suffered and caused suffering, and if there is anything I can do to make life just a little better and easier for someone, I want to do it. Maybe it's patience, but I suppose it's also a sort of penance as well.

Well, now that I have that out of the way, if you haven't decided you are better off never contacting me again, let me go on to address the rest. We got far off the topic of hot men, and I find that much more pleasant a subject than my own failings.

> There is that, I suppose. The tide seems to be changing, albeit slowly, although I still retain my cynicism as to whether  
> television executives will have the balls to feature a gay relationship between leading characters. That seems like too  
> great a risk, and there are still many conservative thinkers in the world. If they wish the programme to succeed, they  
> must think about ratings and audience. Although I suppose one advantage to having a homosexual couple featured so  
> predominantly is that it would garner a great deal of publicity for the programme, and as they say, even bad publicity  
> is still good publicity.

Yes, the publicity will be enormous, I'm sure; I'm going to look up reviews to see how it's being accepted. I might also put together a petition of support for the community members to "sign" and send to the writers to let them know there are plenty of accepting fans out there. No doubt they'll hear the complaints, and I'd like for them to hear the praise as well.

> When I struck out on my own, my time was poured into building my business. I suppose now that I have achieved a  
> measure of success, I could afford to come out and pursue more social interests. However, I am hardly a catch,  
> being neither young nor attractive, and I have no desire for some little club tart to latch onto me for my money.  
> While I am not rich, I am quite comfortable and likely to move from "comfortable" to "quite cozy indeed" if business  
> continues as it has done the past couple of years.

I can understand that. It would be horrible to doubt whether someone wants you for yourself or the things you can give them. But don't count yourself out yet, at least not on something like age. I am in my forties as well, and I hardly consider it to be over the hill! As for attractiveness, I can't speak to the physical aspects, of course, as we've not seen each other, but on a personality level, I think you have absolutely nothing to be concerned about. Even as short a time as we have been in contact, I can tell you are an extremely intelligent and educated man with a wonderfully dry wit, with a broad set of interests and a lovely eloquence in your way of expressing yourself. Yes, there is far, far more to you than I have seen, but I seem to have good instincts about people because of my job, and I can assure you that if you aren't a "catch", it's only because you choose not to be. 

> Thus there seems to be no need to come out. I have nothing in the way of a sex life, and I have no plans to become  
> embroiled in a relationship, thus my sexuality is a non-issue. I would come out if I had a reason to do so, but I see no  
> point in announcing "I'm gay" to all and sundry when I am single and celibate and will remain that way.

Single and celibate? Sounds like me. How unfortunate for the men of the world that we aren't out there flaunting our charms for all to see. Then again, perhaps they wouldn't be able to stand the competition.

On that note, I'm going to offer you my "real" name, since I've told you things I've never told anyone else. You don't have to reciprocate, and if you don't, I won't be offended. Nor will I if you decide you now know too much about me to be comfortable; disappointed, most definitely, but never offended.

John

* * *

Severus knew he ought to close his laptop and go to bed. It was well after midnight, and he had work to do. Granted, he had a little more leeway about what time he went in because he was the boss, and it wasn't unheard of for him to work from home, especially when he was still in the design and early development stage of a new project - which he was - but the later he went to bed, the later he would get up, and he hated the thought of wasting time.

But somehow, he couldn't make himself do it. He was too curious about Rogue's response, although the longer he waited, the more he wondered if perhaps Rogue wasn't going to respond until morning. Or worse, Severus had somehow managed to ruin the budding acquaintanceship with his bluntness. He breathed a sigh of relief when an email popped up, and he hastened to open it.

He read it, and then he read it again, gob-smacked. Of all the reactions he thought his previous email might get, this was not among them, and reading an apology, even though he knew it wasn't to him, shook him - or rather, shook the part of him that had once been young and bitter and afraid, lacking any true friends and constantly on the look-out for the next ambush. The boy he had once been wanted to cry in relief at having decades-old pain acknowledged at long last.

He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin, staring at the screen as he tried to think how he could possibly reply without what they shared turning into something more than a mere acquaintanceship. The damnable thing was that Rogue - no, John - was right: Severus found it far easier to open up and be honest to someone he couldn't see. It was unsettling, but at the same time, Severus had to wonder if he was long overdue for a confidante. He had spent most of his life trying to exert self-control, not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing his weaknesses. He failed sometimes, most notably when his emotions were running high, but for the most part, he kept his masks in place. There were things he had never spoken of to another living person, things he'd had to deal with on his own because he had no one to offer him solace or help. He had no one to trust.

There was also the matter of the praise John had offered. Severus could barely read it without squirming, knowing as he did how unjustified it was. Perhaps he could present a more favorable image in writing, but he had no doubt John would be disappointed in the real man behind the screen, not only in terms of physical appearance but in personality as well. It was just as well that Severus never intended for them to meet.

Without being entirely certain of what he was going to say, he hit "reply".

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

It is quite strange indeed, but I accept your apology. I am not the person you wronged, and you are not the person who stood idly by and watched me being harassed; however, if standing as proxies gives either of us a little peace, I see no harm in it.

In truth, you remind me of someone I used to know. In some ways, he was one of the strongest people I have known. In others, he was the weakest. He too stood by and said nothing far more often than he should have. I believe he did so out of fear, and for a long time, I thought of him only with scorn. Time and distance has a way of softening the sharp edges of memory, however, and reading what you have to say offers a different perspective as well. I can never forgive those who harassed me - although in the interest of fairness, I confess I was hardly a weak, defenseless target, and I gave as good as I got - but I believe I could forgive him. Thus I forgive you on his behalf.

It sounds to me as if the behavior that shames you stems not from darkness or evil, but rather from fear. You allowed fear to make you a coward, which is not admirable, but it is hardly a unique problem. At least you recognize the flaw and - I assume - have tried to rectify it rather than continuing to repeat the pattern. That is to be respected even if your cowardice is not. If you knew me better, you would understand the irony of what I am about to say: let it go. You cannot change what you have done; you can only make different choices in the future.

 

> Suffice it to say, however, that if darkness is something that eats at your soul and  
> that makes you realize any happiness you have has only come at the expense of others, then I know it all too well. 

That statement assumes one has experienced true happiness to begin with. My own soul is hardly unburdened by regret; I dare say I have more to regret than merely failing to act, and there are things that eat at me in the long, dark hours before dawn. I cannot say they are leavened by memories of happiness, however. There have been times in my life when I have been content and - on rare occasions - at peace, but happiness has always eluded me, even fleetingly. I have come closest to it in the past few years, and my accomplishments have given me satisfaction, but success has not made me happy.

I see no need to begin avoiding you, thus it seems best to move on to less difficult topics.

> I might also put together a petition of support for the community members to "sign"  
> and send to the writers to let them know there are plenty of accepting fans out there. 

That seems a sensible thing to do. As you say, those who are outraged will not hesitate to make themselves heard, and there should be some balance in what the Powers That Be hear from their audience.

 

> Yes, there is far, far more to you than I have seen,

Such as my temper, my impatience, my misanthropic attitude, my disdain for stupidity. I am not a nice man. Even if I were, I would not be a catch. The truth about my desirability was drummed into my head long ago, and I have not forgotten the lesson. You say you have good instincts about people, but you have a skewed perspective of me. It is, I think, one of the drawbacks of communicating in writing. What one allows to be seen can be highly filtered. I assure you, were you to meet me, you would not think me quite so interesting.

 

Pir8blocker

* * *

Remus read the reply, a faint flush rising to his face at the part about forgiveness. No doubt Severus would have screamed in outrage at the thought of some Muggle offering Remus forgiveness on his behalf - especially a Muggle Remus had not only never wronged, but had never even met - but it gave Remus a measure of peace and a feeling of closure nonetheless. Perhaps this was the same benefit more religious people than he received from going to confession, a feeling of cleansing for having acknowledged his failings and having received a sort of absolution for them. 

There was too much to address in the remainder of the letter for so late at night, and so he hit "reply" and composed a short response.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 11, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

It's getting late, and I want to respond to you with all my wits about me. But let me say thank you for the absolution you have given me. Strange as it sounds, it helps. 

I'll write back to you in the morning. For now, I hope you have a peaceful night; I think I shall have a more restful one than I've had in a very long time.

Sweet dreams,  
John


	3. Chapter 3

Severus nodded as he read the brief message, a strange blend of emotion roiling inside him. Part of him was apprehensive that he had done something foolish, not only in revealing so much to someone he hadn't even met, but also in letting this relationship go farther than he had intended. It might end up being a costly mistake, and the old instincts that warned him against trusting people died hard.

At the same time, however, he felt somewhat proud of himself for having unbent enough to offer someone else a measure of peace. He was not altruistic by nature, but the similarities between what John had described and his own history had resonated strongly. John reminded of Remus Lupin, whom he might have thought tolerable had the man ever grown a spine, but he hadn't, not while Severus had known him, and Severus had always thought of him with disdain for being so weak-willed. Likely the man was married to Tonks and had a litter of children, all of whom led him around by the nose, just as Tonks had ultimately done. Severus couldn't imagine Lupin ever offering an apology (much less to him!) or caring about the damage his cowardice had caused others, but John was different.

He quit his browser and shut down his laptop, wincing as he unfolded his legs and found them cramped from sitting for so long. Removing his glasses, he rubbed his eyes and yawned, ready to go to bed at last. Oddly enough, he thought he might have a more restful night as well.

* * *

The next morning, Remus awoke much later than usual, but he couldn't feel too badly about it, given that he had slept better than he could remember having done in ages. His first thoughts upon waking drifted to Pir8blocker, and he gave a rueful chuckle as he silently wished that he _had_ asked the man for his name. His mental image of his new friend was of a Napoleonic sea captain in the blue uniform and plume-bedecked hat of the era, strolling the decks of his ship with a haughty expression as he stood watchful for the appearance of the sea thieves he stalked relentlessly. Of course, that image gave Remus all kinds of other thoughts about being the "first mate" for his captain and doing all sorts of wicked things in their cabins after darkness fell. He couldn't quite manage to conjure a face for this apparition, although tall, dark, and brooding seemed to suit his imagination rather well. 

"For all I know, he's short, pudgy, and balding with a beard down to his navel and terrible breath," Remus muttered as he threw back the duvet and rose. "Just because I like tall and dark is no reason to make assumptions, especially as he admitted he wasn't attractive." Somehow, however, Remus couldn't quite bring himself to believe that. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part, but he couldn't help believing he would find Pir8blocker just as appealing in the flesh as he did in correspondence. Which really wasn't realistic at all.

Yawning and stretching, he went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and a plate of toast, consuming the latter before making his way to his computer once more. The pull of communicating with Pir8blocker was strong, so much so that he thought it might be bordering on unhealthy in some ways. In all his years since leaving the Wizarding world and having been online, this was the first time he felt almost obsessed by it.

Not that he was going to let that stop him, and he sat down and brought up his mail tool, staring at Pir8blocker's last email for a while before finally hitting reply. No doubt there wouldn't be a reply for quite a while, given that Pir8blocker had to go in to work, and so Remus vowed he would shut down the computer immediately once he wrote back and take himself off outside for at least an hour. It would certainly be better than sitting in front of the screen and reloading his mailtool every five minutes.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 12, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

 

> Time and distance has a way of softening the sharp  
> edges of memory, however, and reading what you have to say offers a different perspective as well. I can never forgive  
> those who harassed me - although in the interest of fairness, I confess I was hardly a weak, defenseless target, and I  
> gave as good as I got - but I believe I could forgive him. Thus I forgive you on his behalf.

All I can really say here is thank you; it did indeed give me peace, and for that you have my gratitude. 

> At least you recognize the flaw  
> and - I assume - have tried to rectify it rather than continuing to repeat the pattern. That is to be respected even if your  
> cowardice is not. If you knew me better, you would understand the irony of what I am about to say: let it go. You cannot  
> change what you have done; you can only make different choices in the future.

Yes, I have tried to rectify my weaknesses, and I think I have been successful to a certain extent. I have "let go" in a way already by having given up my previous life and moving on, not in an attempt to leave my sins behind me but to find a fresh start. Your words have been very healing for me regarding things I had thought I would always carry with me. It helped a great deal to be able to unburden myself to you and for you not to push me away. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

> That statement assumes one has experienced true happiness to begin with. My own soul is hardly unburdened by regret;  
> I dare say I have more to regret than merely failing to act, and there are things that eat at me in the long, dark hours  
> before dawn. I cannot say they are leavened by memories of happiness, however. There have been times in my life when  
> I have been content and - rarely - at peace, but happiness has always eluded me, even fleetingly. I have come closest to  
> it in the past few years, and my accomplishments have given me satisfaction, but success has not made me happy.

I don't think I've known true happiness since I was a child; I lost my innocence when very young, and ever since then, it seems there has never been a carefree moment I could call my own. Like you, I've known some contentment and occasionally peace, but those times are always fleeting. I think I was speaking of happiness in a relative sense, as in I'm happy to have a roof over my head, food to eat, meaningful employment, and a hobby which is engaging. I have few friends, and they have their own lives with no real place for me. I'm not saying this to drum up sympathy, and I certainly don't weep for my circumstances. I, too, have regrets, and I know I always will have them, so I think I understand very well where you are coming from. Just know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here; I will gladly listen to anything you need to say and not judge you for anything. If you consider that the act of a friend, then I would like you to consider me one.

>> I might also put together a petition of support for the community members to "sign"  
>> and send to the writers to let them know there are plenty of accepting fans out there. 

> That seems a sensible thing to do. As you say, those who are outraged will not hesitate to make themselves heard,  
> and there should be some balance in what the Powers That Be hear from their audience.

Will do! Look for a post in the community shortly, and feel free to add in your two pence, if you would like!

> Such as my temper, my impatience, my misanthropic attitude, my disdain for stupidity. I am not a nice man. Even  
> if I were, I would not be a catch. The truth about my desirability was drummed into my head long ago, and I have not  
> forgotten the lesson. You say you have good instincts about people, but you have a skewed perspective of me. It is,  
> I think, one of the drawbacks of communicating in writing. What one allows to be seen can be highly filtered. I assure  
> you, were you to meet me, you would not think me quite so interesting.

Well, that will just have to remain to be seen, will it not? In the meantime, I shall keep my skewed perspective and say that I genuinely like what I have seen of you, whatever portion of the "real" you that might comprise. I saw your disdain for stupidity already, remember, and the misanthropy wasn't that hard to divine, nor the temper. You may not be "nice" by some standards, but you are genuine and true to yourself, and in a medium where it is easy for people to present false fronts and phony "niceness" in order to bolster their egos, I find it very refreshing indeed. To mangle the famous sonnet, I do indeed find it more rare than any belied by false compare.

I hope you have a good day. I shall be around off and on during the day and then online all evening if you wish to chat or email.

Yours,  
John

* * *

When he awoke the next morning much later than usual, Severus decided it was a work-from-home day. He had the client's portfolio and all his notes, so it would be easy enough to pick up where he left off the day before. He went through his morning routine, sternly telling himself that he did _not_ need to check his email before he bathed, dressed, or ate.

Opting for a pair of old, faded jeans rather than sweatpants and a black pullover, he padded barefoot to the kitchen and put on the kettle, and then he made a beeline for his laptop. Getting business out of the way first, he emailed Dierdre to let her know he wouldn't be in the office and asked her to email or call if anything important arose that he needed to deal with. Only then did he allow himself the luxury of checking his personal account, ignoring the little curl of pleasure he felt in the pit of his stomach when he saw a response from John.

He read it and was disconcerted to find himself smiling slightly at the screen. Damn it. He was starting to like the man, and that couldn't bode well. With a sigh, he returned to the kitchen to answer the kettle's summons and turn off the stove, and he fixed himself a cup of tea, leaning his hip against the kitchen counter as he mulled over the situation.

He could always back out, although it would seem odd to do it now. If he was going to break off communication, he ought to have done it last night when John had given him the perfect reason and opportunity to do so. But he hadn't, and it would be strange and confusing to John if Severus began ignoring him now. Not that he cared about upsetting John... Yes, he did, damn it. Perhaps it was the similarities in their experiences or perhaps it was the ease of their communication, but whatever the reason, John had burrowed under his defenses with alarming speed, and now there was nothing for him to do but bail without warning - or keep on going and see where things went.

Pushing himself away from the counter, he returned to gather up his laptop and settle on the sofa with a cushion supporting his back. He set his cup aside on the nearby tea table and positioned the laptop comfortably, thankful he had a wireless network, and then he went back to the email and hit "reply".

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: April 12, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

 

> Yes, I have tried to rectify my weaknesses, and I think I have been successful to a certain extent.

I am glad to hear it. Change is difficult, to be sure, but sometimes it is necessary. Again, there is irony in me saying such a thing. I shan't bore you with the details; suffice to say, I have always had a reputation of being somewhat rigid and disdainful of weakness in others - and not without good reason. However, I am most harsh with myself, far more than anyone ever realized. I am strong because I have had to be, and there are those who have relied on that strength nearly to the point of breaking it. I made mistakes in my youth that caused me to develop a strong sense of justice and right, and I have been unswerving and unyielding in my devotion to both.

Before I left to start my own business venture, I worked for a fairly large company. While I was there, a colleague invited me to see a production of _Les Miserables_ with her; she was in tears by the end, weeping over the tragedy of Eponine and Jean Valjean. She took it most unkindly when I said the character I identified with most was Javert. It was for him I felt the most sympathy, and his death moved me far more than Cosette's romantic bleatings. I suppose it was a case of "there but for the grace of God go I." Javert is far more obsessed than ever I was, but I can understand his single-minded sense of purpose and how it feels when that purpose is gone all too well.

> I have "let go" in a way already by having given up my previous life and moving on,  
> not in an attempt to leave my sins behind me but to find a fresh start. 

Another thing we have in common, then. I pursued a particular career for a long time, but there came a point when I left everything behind and started anew here. It was a wise decision, one I have not regretted in the least. I may be alone and celibate, but I am not unhappy. Liberating myself from the shackles of the past was an overwhelming idea to contemplate. I suppose it was my moment on the bridge, and I, like Javert, jumped - not to my death, but to a new life.

> It helped me a great deal to be able to unburden myself to you, and  
> especially for you to not push me away. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

You needn't thank me. In some way, it did me good too, thus it was not entirely altruistic on my part. To be honest, I find I do not wish to push you away, unwise as that may prove to be.

> I think I was speaking of happiness in a relative sense, as in I'm happy to have  
> a roof over my head, food to eat, meaningful employment, and a hobby which is engaging. 

Happiness in that sense - yes, I have that. I call that more contentment than happiness, but I suppose it is a matter of semantics. Like you, I have not experienced true happiness in the sense of being unfettered and carefree since childhood, and only then up to a point. Things changed when my father died. Until then, I had quite a happy home life as an only child doted upon by loving parents. We were not wealthy; my father worked in the mines, and the mines repaid his diligence by killing him. My mother and I were obliged to live with my grandparents after that. They never approved of her marriage, believing she had married beneath her, and likewise, they did not approve of me. The tenor of my life changed then, and it never improved until I wrenched back control over my own destiny with the aforementioned "jump."

 

> Of friends I have very, very few, and they have their own lives with no real place for me.

I find that surprising. I am not a social person by nature, and I am not particularly pleasant company, but you strike me as one who enjoys people and who is pleasant company. I find myself perplexed as to why you do not have a wide circle of friends, given the open, friendly, and kind demeanor you have shown me. What did you do - get drunk at a party and tell them they have ugly babies?

 

> I saw your disdain for stupidity already, remember, and the misanthropy  
> wasn't that hard to divine, nor the temper. You may not be "nice" by some standards,  
> but you are genuine and true to yourself, and in a medium where it is easy for  
> people to present false fronts and phony "niceness" in order to build their egos,  
> I find it very refreshing indeed. To mangle the famous sonnet, I do indeed find it  
> more rare than any belied by false compare.

Then again, perhaps this gives me the answer: you are quite mad. Although I suppose you are correct in one sense: I am myself, and I make no apologies for it, nor do I present myself or my opinions as anything other than what they are. Given I am a grumpy old bugger who has no patience with stupidity and who finds most people tiresome, being myself has not endeared me to a great many people. But then again, they have not endeared themselves to me, either. I had rather cultivate a small circle of acquaintances who do not annoy me than a large circle of people who do.

 

Ethan

* * *

It was almost noon by the time Remus was ready to return home, so he indulged himself with a stop at Wagamama for takeaway noodles with chicken and spinach. When he walked into his flat, however, he put the food aside and made directly for his computer, tapping his foot impatiently as his network connection was established and his mailtool downloaded messages from his account. When he spotted a message from Pir8blocker, he forgot his impatience, and he hummed under his breath as he began to read.

The entire email made him smile, but the sight of the name "Ethan" at the end made him actually emit the high-pitched squee he had often spoken of. Then he laughed, amused with himself and delighted with Ethan. The day just kept getting better and better.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: April 12, 2006  
Subject: re: Wow

Ethan -

> I am strong because I have had to be, and there are those who have relied on that strength  
> nearly to the point of breaking it. I made mistakes in my youth that caused me to develop a strong sense of justice and  
> right, and I have been unswerving and unyielding in my devotion to both.

That is something to be admired. I try now to have the courage of my convictions as well, since I know all too well the price to be paid for doing otherwise.

> She took it most unkindly when I said the character  
> I identified with most was Javert. It was for him I felt the most sympathy, and his death  
> moved me far more than Cosette's romantic bleatings. I suppose it was a case of  
> "there but for the grace of God go I." Javert is far more obsessed  
> than ever I was, but I can understand his single-minded sense of purpose  
> and how it feels when that purpose is gone all too well.

There is no shame in being a Javert, as there is none in being a reformed Valjean. They are a yin and yang of sorts, each necessary to the other.

> Liberating myself from the shackles of the past was an overwhelming  
> idea to contemplate. I suppose it was my moment on the bridge, and I,  
> like Javert, jumped - not to my death, but to a new life.

May I just say that from my own selfish perspective, I'm very glad you did? I'm glad we both did. Funny how it led us to discover each other, isn't it?

> You needn't thank me. In some way, it did me good too, thus it was not entirely altruistic on my part. To be honest,  
> I find I do not wish to push you away, unwise as that may prove to be.

I don't think it would be unwise; at least, I certainly hope not. I find myself more comfortable talking to you than I have felt with anyone in a very long time. I do hope that nothing I do or say ever causes you discomfort or upset.

> Happiness in that sense - yes, I have that. I call that more contentment than happiness, but I suppose it is a  
> matter of semantics. Like you, I have not experienced true happiness in the sense of being unfettered and carefree  
> since childhood, and only then up to a point.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through which has given you such pain in your life. All I can say is that if it has made you the man you are today, perhaps there was some purpose to it after all. So many people do not appreciate the subtle joys to be found in something as simple as being in charge of your own life. I don't know how you feel about poetry (and no, I am NOT referring to that emotional Gothic droning in the fic comm!) but there is one I read just about the time I decided to leave my previous life and which I occasionally send to my clients when they feel hopeless. I think you, of all people I have ever met, would appreciate the nuances of it. It's by a man named William Henley, and it has been something that has given me the comfort of knowing that I am not alone, that others have been where I have been.

Out of the night that covers me,  
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,  
I thank whatever gods may be  
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance  
I have not winced nor cried aloud.  
Under the bludgeonings of chance  
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears  
Looms but the Horror of the shade,  
And yet the menace of the years  
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,  
How charged with punishments the scroll,  
I am the master of my fate:  
I am the captain of my soul.

> I find myself perplexed as  
> to why you do not have a wide circle of friends, given the open, friendly, and kind demeanor you have  
> shown me. What did you do - get drunk at a party and tell them they have ugly babies?

ROFL! I can and have enjoyed people, this is true, but I am by nature a private man and something of a loner. I spent many years _wanting_ people to like me, needing it as some sort of vindication, I suppose, or an assurance that I was a person worthy of friends and love. But while I can spend time with others, and they do seem to like me, I still often feel alone in a crowd, a man apart. There was a time that I sought inclusion, but I don't so much anymore. Although I wouldn't ever insult their babies, ugly or not. I value my life far too much for that!

> Given I am a grumpy old bugger who has no patience with stupidity and who finds  
> most people tiresome, being myself has not endeared me to a great many people. But then again, they have  
> not endeared themselves to me, either. I had rather cultivate a small circle of acquaintances who do not annoy  
> me than a large circle of people who do.

As long as I might be included in that small circle, I would be quite content. Never apologize for who you are, for I find that to be a very good thing indeed. If that makes me mad, then I revel in my insanity.

Yours,  
John

* * *

For the next couple of weeks, Severus spent more time emailing and chatting with John than he did reading and commenting at the community. For one thing, he enjoyed his private conversations with John much more, and for another, he usually ended up rolling his eyes over what he saw posted in the community. Skimming it seemed to be a better idea if he wanted to avoid making scathing comments and making John exasperated with him. He didn't want to put John in the position of having to choose between their friendship and the best interests of the community, no matter that Severus thought the idiotic young people needed to be given a good dose of reality sometimes.

He found their obsession with darkness particularly annoying. When they had been the subject of a Dark Wizard and been forced to commit heinous acts for the greater good of winning a war, _then_ they could bleat about the darkness in their souls, but until then, they were nothing more than pretentious children whining about the state of their pampered lives. It was all he could do at times to keep his temper in check and not respond, but he managed it somehow, choosing to avoid commenting at all.

Instead, he focused on the discussion of the episodes he shared with John; the emails he received became bright spots in his day, particularly when work was frustrating or annoying, and he ventured onto Y!M more often, enjoying the immediacy of "live" conversation more than he thought he would.

But there came a time when holding his virtual tongue became impossible. He had been disdainful of lugosi_lives ever since responding to her post about episode 4, and he had ignored her ever since, dismissing her as someone who felt compelled to express her opinion on everything no matter how foolish it made her look. But then, she posted a rant about all the "slash" fanfiction and commentary posted to the community. Severus didn't care about the fanfiction; he didn't read it, and he had no vested interest in what was or was not posted. However, her homophobic overtones made his blood boil, and he stared at her post, seething, on the verge of bursting with the overwhelming _need_ to lambaste her as she deserved. But if he did that, he would create problems and conflict for John, which was the only thing keeping him in check. Now that he had found a kindred spirit, he didn't want to lose their connection because of one foolish child.

He stewed over it for about an hour, deliberating. The problem of how to deal with impertinent young people ought not be beyond him; it was just a matter of deciding _how_. Not as himself, certainly. But he'd made his first career out of pretending. Why couldn't he do the same here? At least this act would be a safe one, and the only risk was John finding out his dual role. Lugosi_lives was not worth losing John over, but he was damned if he would sit idly by and let this ignorant girl spew such rubbish.

An evil smirk curved his lips while he created , a deliberate mockery. It wasn't subtle, but he didn't care; he only wanted to teach her a lesson. He fabricated a profile, making his alter ego younger, and he joined the community - and he dove into commenting with wicked glee, playing down his vocabulary but not his bile as he unleashed all the irritation and frustration he had bottled up.

He did feel some remorse, knowing John would be the one forced to deal with the "new member", who would probably received an email much like the one Severus had received. would ignore it, however, and continue commenting until he was banned, which might be a good long while if Severus was careful, given John didn't like the idea of banning anyone. As long as he was careful, perhaps he might skirt the fine line between "stridently opinionated member" and "wank-stirring flamer".

When he had vented his spleen - a cathartic act that was almost as good as sex, leaving him relaxed and mellow - he turned on his chat program and settled back on his sofa, checking to see if John was online and available rather than counseling a patient. He saw John on his buddy list, and there wasn't an away message, thus he assumed it was safe to say hello.

 **Pir8blocker:** Am I interrupting anything?

 **Rogue60:** You mean other than me tearing my hair out? No, no. 

**Pir8blocker:** Why? Have you been dealing with a frustrating case?

 **Rogue60:** Actually, it's the comm. I take it you haven't read it today? 

**Pir8blocker:** No. I tend to skim it every few days, looking for the proverbial gold amid the dross you mentioned. What happened? More "poetry", or is someone claiming to have contacted the spirit of Elizabeth Bathory or some other such nonsense?

 **Rogue60:** If only! No, I'm afraid it's an impending wank storm. Lugosi_lives, who I know can be a bit annoying with her opinions, went a bit too far and took a swipe at the slashers. That was akin to throwing down a gauntlet, and sure enough, someone created a sockpuppet almost at once and fired back. It was probably one of the slash writers, and while I can't blame them, I'm going to have to put a stop to it before we wind up on fandom_wank!

 **Pir8blocker:** What the devil is fandom wank?

 **Rogue60:** You've not heard of it? I can't believe I never mentioned it to you. There is a whole community of people over on another blogging site who go looking for "juicy" wanks and pointing them out so that people can mock those involved. This usually also involves mocking the fandom, the mods, the comms, and everything having to do with it. It's very humiliating, and the reputations of people can be wrecked over things posted there.

Privately, Severus thought it sounded intriguing, and he made a mental note to check it out later. But for now, he pretended to be innocent and sympathetic.

 **Pir8blocker:** I see. Well, I imagine you can settle everyone in question down before things go that far. You haven't had a problem with "wank" before; I don't see why this time would be different.

 **Rogue60:** Sigh. I don't know. This has a different feel. For one thing, the journal making the attack is obviously a mockery of lugosi_lives - it's lugosi_dies. And even though whoever it is skirted the edges of outright flaming attack, just that journal name is going to send lugosi_lives over the edge, I know it. She's already a bit of a drama queen, and this is going to set her off, I'm sure. I'm sending her a letter right now, asking her to please ignore it, as well as one to lugosi_dies, asking her to back down as well. I'm avoiding stepping in directly for the moment in the comm itself, since I don't want to make it even worse by appearing to point fingers or "take sides". This is particularly ironic, you realize. If I defend lugosi_lives, the slashers will probably think I hate them, and if I don't, then the het shippers will be screaming that I don't support _them_. *headdesk*

Severus felt a slight twinge of guilt, but it was quickly replaced by amusement that John thought was female. He was also amused by the fact that he had accurately predicted John would be sending Severus' alter-ego an email about "her" behavior. It made him grateful they weren't face-to-face, because he would be hard-pressed to keep up the illusion of innocence in person.

 **Pir8blocker:** If it's any consolation, you have my sympathy. I can't say I envy your position, and it is indeed a difficult one. I think addressing them both outside the community is the best solution. As long as no one else jumps into the fray, perhaps they will both exercise good sense and let it drop...although you can imagine what I think the likelihood of that is. They are young people, after all.

 **Rogue60:** I can only hope. I would hate to have our little comm ripped apart because of a couple of dramatic teenagers having a catfight. Thank God you were so reasonable about everything. I was lucky in that regard in more ways than one, and I suppose it's far too much to hope I'll be that lucky again!

Severus felt another twinge of guilt at that, and he resolved to avoid fanning the flames higher...

Well, not too high.

Well, he would try not to respond more often than necessary. As little as he wanted to cause problems for John, he needed this outlet if he was going to remain in the community without running mad.

 **Pir8blocker:** If the parties involved are young, then yes, it may be too much to hope for. Not that I wish to sound overly pessimistic, but you know I am not inclined to think highly of certain members of that community. Still, it is possible they might resolve their differences with little fuss.

 **Rogue60:** I'm hoping, but yes, I have a sinking feeling you're right. I might need to weep on your shoulder if this gets out of hand. I hope you don't mind, but I might need a little hand holding of my own if we make fandom_wank!

 **Pir8blocker:** Only your hand?

Severus meant to delete what he had written, but somehow, he hit "return" instead, and he groaned. Of all the times for his wayward libido to get away from him! He supposed it was inevitable that his mind should be in the gutter after all the steamy repressed sexuality in _Blood Bathory_ these days.

For his part, Remus read the response and drew in a sharp breath, wild hope causing his heart to pound. It was silly, really, that one simple, somewhat suggestive comment could make him suddenly feel like a randy teenager, but there it was. He'd said a few flirtatious things to Ethan over the course of time, but Ethan either had not realized it, or he had been ignoring it, perhaps thinking Remus was joking. The thing was, Remus very much wished to take their relationship further. It was crazy and unrealistic, and yet the erotic dreams he'd had of being ravished by a dark man in Naval blues had been growing even more frequent. Wank in the comm was completely forgotten as matters far more personal took Remus' entire attention.

Swallowing hard, Remus decided to take a small chance, hoping that Ethan wouldn't react negatively to it.

 **Rogue60:** I wouldn't turn down you holding anything of mine that appeals to you.

Severus froze, staring wide-eyed at the screen; he was scarcely able to believe what he was reading. He had never been the subject of flirtation or innuendo; he was simply not the type to be the subject of that kind of attention. But then again, John had never seen him; if he had, John might not have given him a second glance, much less have said anything that sounded vaguely like innuendo.

His throat had gone dry, and he took a sip of tea, trying not to spill any on his keyboard. How should he respond? Did he dare respond in kind? Well, he had started this, and...

He groaned. Was he really giving serious consideration to flirting - or more - with someone he had never met face-to-face? Then again, what would it hurt? Obviously, John wasn't against the idea, or he wouldn't have responded as he had. Perhaps it was the next logical step for two celibate loners to take together.

 **Pir8blocker:** Oh, really. I can imagine quite a few things that might be appealing to hold.

Remus stopped breathing at that point, although that wasn't what made him feel warm and lightheaded. He knew lots of people indulged in online flirtations and even more, even though he'd never done so. Part of him wanted to demand Ethan's address so that he could rush over and continue this in person, but the more rational part, the part which had gotten to "know" Ethan in the last few weeks, was certain that being _that_ direct would cause Ethan to run away screaming. There was something between them, Remus thought. A definite chemistry, something that was worth nurturing and taking the time to allow Ethan to be comfortable with him. If this helped as a step to finally getting to meet Ethan in person, then Remus wasn't going to let the opportunity pass by. Who knew if it would ever come again?

And yet he had to go slowly, carefully, so that Ethan didn't feel pushed or rushed. He was willing to let Ethan set the limits at this point, since Remus didn't want to jeopardize the odd sort of trust growing between them by moving too quickly.

 **Rogue60:** Yes, really. I would, of course, be more than happy to return the favor. If the thought of having me hold anything of yours is equally appealing, that is.

Severus flexed his fingers over the keyboard, feeling flutters in his stomach that he hadn't felt since he was an adolescent, and he licked his lips as he considered his response.

 **Pir8blocker:** Actually, the thought is quite appealing. I admit I am at a loss to explain how one can feel chemistry and attraction to someone without interacting beyond the virtual world, but it seems to have happened. At least it has on my end.

Remus was in serious danger of emitting another squee, but he contented himself with a grin that was goofy enough to make him glad no one else was there to see it. Except that he did wish Ethan were there.

 **Rogue60:** And on mine as well. Very much so. Actually, I've felt it for quite some time, but I couldn't think how to bring it up without you thinking I was a total lunatic and sending you running for the hills. So I've kept silent, and meanwhile, I've been contenting myself with a rather interesting fantasy about your nickname. Bizarre, isn't it? Not that I'm complaining, especially if you feel the same. I'll even squee if you like.

Severus shifted from staring to boggling. Up until now, he would have thought the only fantasies anyone would ever have about him would involve his messy death, and he couldn't help but follow-up.

 **Pir8blocker:** A fantasy about me? Dare I ask what it is?

A flush stained Remus' cheeks, but he couldn't resist mentioning it. Ethan couldn't be offended by it... could he? It had seemed so harmless at the time, but there was a chance Ethan wouldn't think so. Still, the cat was out of the bag now, and Remus just had to trust in the fact that Ethan had gotten to know him well enough over the last few weeks to understand he didn't mean to overwhelm or scare Ethan away.

 **Rogue60:** Well, "pirate blocker" gave me these images of you as a tall, brooding, Napoleonic era British sea captain, sailing the seas in search of pirates. With me as your first mate. Or your cabin boy. It varies, it seems. My role, I mean. For you, it's always that blue uniform with all the buttons and tight breeches and boots. Should I die of mortification now? Will you ever speak to me again?

Severus felt his eyes grow even wider, and he hadn't thought that was even possible. But now John had transplanted images of Naval uniforms and rolling waves into _his_ mind, and he had a feeling the fantasy wasn't going to be easy to shake.

 **Pir8blocker:** My user name is an oblique reference to my work, actually. I design custom security systems, primarily for small business networks. But I like your image better. I imagine if you were my first mate, there would be no thought of mutiny on board. Rather, the captain and the first mate might find the boat rocking even while it was in port.

The heat in Remus' cheeks moved to a completely different part of his body as Ethan stepped into Remus' fantasy with apparent eagerness. He shifted in his chair, wishing there was some way to reach through the computer and touch Ethan with more than just his words. 

**Rogue60:** Well, those bunks were really nothing more than swings, you know, so rocking sounds about right. And this first mate would be delighted to serve under his captain in any and every way, in or out of uniform. Even though I'd never mutiny, perhaps occasionally being tied up and flogged might be a good reminder of my place?

Severus squirmed, thinking of John in tight breeches, tied up with his linen shirt ripped open... He got up abruptly and hurried into the kitchen to get a bottle of cold water before he responded. It didn't matter that he didn't know what John looked like; the idea alone was enough to ruffle him.

 **Pir8blocker:** As your captain, I would expect you to obey my commands. If not, a flogging would indeed be forthcoming. I would have the necessary equipment in our cabin - ropes and all. I would be merciful, however. No matter how disobedient you had been, I would not want to punish you so severely that I could not soothe your hurts later in our bed.

There was oxygen in the room; Remus knew there had to be, but he was damned if he could actually breathe it, given how dizzy and lightheaded he felt. How could someone do this to him with a few mere words, leaving him trembling and aching and _needing_ in a way no lover he could remember ever had before? Ethan had him completely flustered, his fingers trembling so that he could barely type.

 **Rogue60:** And I would be grateful for your mercy, and I would do my best to pleasure you in any way you desired. I could use my mouth, or my hands, or welcome you into my body so that you could take your pleasure in me. I would desire only to show you how eagerly I would serve your every whim.

"Oh, God..." Severus groaned, feeling the heat of desire exploding deep within him; he hadn't been this aroused in longer than he could remember, and while part of him marveled that he was being so deeply affected by words on a screen, most of him was too far gone to care about potentially looking foolish. His skin was flushed, and he was panting as he prepared to type his response.

 **Pir8blocker:** I would be pleased with how well you serve me, and I would reward your eagerness with my hands and mouth all over your body. I would be best pleased to see you bound and helpless beneath me. Perhaps I would tie your wrists and secure your hands to the headboard of the narrow bed. I would cover you and take you, matching the rhythm of our bodies to the rhythm of the waves until you were mindless with pleasure and begging for the release only I could grant you.

Remus could imagine it only all too well: half-naked bodies in the light of a lantern, skin damp and flushed, bound hands and soft moans in counterpoint to the creak of wood and the slap of flesh against flesh. The taller, darker man covering him, hands and lips eagerly exploring his body, knowing just where and how to touch to drive him wild with need. He could see it when he closed his eyes, but he opened them after a moment, not wanting to leave Ethan hanging. He was close; he could feel it as he reread the words Ethan had written, and it was all the more amazing because he hadn't even touched himself.

 **Rogue60:** I would beg, arching up against you and entreating you to please go faster, deeper, wanting you to fly with me into oblivion. I'd murmur to you of how I hungered for you, only you, and how you made me ravenous for you, for your touch and your taste and your scent enveloping me and consuming me. I'd wrap my legs around your hips to pull you in closer, chanting your name as I hovered on the edge, waiting only for you to whisper the words that would set me free.

Severus was aching with arousal, straining against the confines of his jeans, and his fingers shook as he reached down to make short work of the fastenings. Never had he done anything like this before; the most erotic his online discussions had ever been before was when he and fellow Apple enthusiasts got hot and bothered over the new iMac designs, and Dan42 went so far as to say Macintoshes were sexy.

Typing with one hand was awkward and inefficient, and so Severus held off touching himself until he had written a response, amazed at the vivid images John had evoked in his mind. He could see the scene all too well, and he wished somehow it could be real, at least the parts involving sex. The naval uniforms were optional.

 **Pir8blocker:** I would give you everything you begged for. The feel of your body sheathing me, tight and welcoming, would make my own control falter, and the feel of your legs around me would be my undoing. I would be desperate to drive into you harder and deeper until you forgot every man before me and became mine alone. I would stroke you, holding deep within you as I bent to whisper in your ear, the sound of my name on your lips taking me closer to the edge.

It was too much for Remus to bear, and he quickly freed himself from his jeans, gasping at how good the lightest stroke of his sensitive flesh felt. He reached for one of the tissues from the box he kept on his desk and closed his eyes again, wrapping his hand around himself and crying out as pleasure overtook him with overwhelming swiftness, hot and irresistible and so very, very good. He panted through it, and then he opened his eyes with a soft moan, feeling more sated than he could remember being in a long time. 

He wasn't about to forget Ethan, however, and he sighed with contentment as he discarded the tissues and reached for another to wipe his hands, and then he smiled as he began to type.

 **Rogue60:** Your words would be enough to send me hurtling over the edge into exquisite release, crying out your name again as pleasure overtook me and flowed like a heated tide through my body. I'd arch against you again, squeezing you tightly between my thighs as I rode out the waves of pleasure, opening my eyes so that I could watch you, begging you again, but this time to let yourself join me in the overwhelming joy of release.

Leaning back in his chair, Severus closed his eyes and replayed the images they had conjured together, stroking himself and wishing it wasn't his own hand but John's bringing him to completion. A soft cry burst from his lips as he hurtled over the edge, his release swift and powerful, and he slumped, panting in the aftermath.

Humming quietly, he stretched languidly and summoned his wand, cleaning himself up with a muttered charm. He tucked himself in and fastened his jeans, straightening his clothes before turning his attention back to the screen, feeling a little abashed but too relaxed to care overly much about it.

 **Pir8blocker:** So... was it good for you? 

Remus laughed in amusement. From the delay before the reply, he could well imagine what Ethan had been doing, and he wished he could have seen it and watched Ethan as he cried out in completion. Perhaps, if he were very careful, it might reach that point one day.

 **Rogue60:** Oh, yes. Very much so. And you?

 **Pir8blocker:** Yes, quite. I prefer this kind of wank to the kind that is occurring in the community.

Severus paused, feeling a little awkwardness setting in now that the immediate rush of pleasure had worn off.

 **Pir8blocker:** This isn't going to make things difficult between us, is it? I have never engaged in such behavior with anyone online before, and I am at something of a loss for how to handle it.

He paused, thinking about his last statement.

 **Pir8blocker:** Which was not meant as innuendo, btw.

Shaking his head, Remus continued to chuckle.

 **Rogue60:** I've never done this before, either, but then I've never felt attracted to anyone online the way I am to you. Certainly not to the point of fantasizing about them! No, I don't think it will make things difficult. I enjoyed it, and you did, and as you said, it is a far more appealing form of wank than the other. Don't worry about innuendo - and isn't _that_ a loaded word itself? - I understand what you meant. I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable or awkward with me, and don't feel obligated to do or say anything you don't wish to.

He bit his lip for a moment and sighed.

 **Rogue60:** For what it's worth, I certainly enjoyed that more than wanking by myself. But that is not meant to pressure you into thinking I want this and nothing else from you. I feel we've built up a friendship and a certain level of trust, odd as that sounds for never having met. I don't want that to change. As enjoyable as this has been, and as much as I am willing to continue if you are, I want you to know that what we have had up to this point is more important to me. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that while I am attracted to you, and I don't think I can suddenly _not_ feel the attraction, I would rather not act on it than lose you as my friend.

Severus stared at the words on the screen, reading them but scarcely able to comprehend them. That John liked him was strange enough, but that John was _attracted_ to him was unfathomable. Severus was not the kind of man to be the focus of anyone's good will or attraction, and yet somehow he had found a friend who could possibly become more than a friend. He chewed absently on his thumbnail, frowning a little. The wisest course of action would be to cut John off now before things took a downward turn (as they always did for Severus) and go back to his safe tech boards where no one had nautical fantasies about him.

But he didn't want to do that. Perhaps it was foolish, and perhaps it would end terribly, but for once, Severus wanted to be able to enjoy something normal... Well, as normal as wanking with someone on the Internet could be.

 **Pir8blocker:** I have no desire to lose our friendship either. I have too few friends in the world to be able to afford giving one up. However, that doesn't necessarily mean we cannot indulge each other. We are both single adults, and I see no reason why we shouldn't continue now that we have begun.

"YES!" Remus said, and he let out a whoop of happiness. He felt giddy, which was probably ridiculous. Yet as bizarre as this was, it was the first "relationship" he'd had in years. He might not know what Ethan looked like, but he was definitely attracted to him. Didn't the famous saying even admit that love was blind?

For a moment, Remus considered sending a picture of himself to Ethan, but then he hesitated, not wanting to move too quickly. All his instincts told him that Ethan had a certain comfort zone, which was obviously expanding bit by bit, but Remus didn't want to try to force things too fast and end up scaring Ethan off. Besides, what if Ethan hated the way Remus looked? Maybe he didn't like greying brunettes with blue eyes. No, it would definitely be better to wait, at least for a while.

 **Rogue60:** I like that idea. Since neither of us have had much luck with finding a relationship in our "real" lives, it certainly does provide us with an outlet. Especially as we both seem to have very active imaginations! 

**Pir8blocker:** So it seems. I admit I found the naval officer fantasy quite appealing. However, I hope you don't think I look anything like that Norrington fellow from that pirate film. Similar job in a way, but no resemblance. Then again, I suppose it would be too much to ask that you reveal you are actually... what'shisname. Depp?

 **Rogue60:** Oh, no, I didn't picture you as Norrington. It was more the uniform than anything else. To be honest, I rather imagined you with dark hair, but that isn't a judgment, just what popped into my mind. And I could only wish that I looked like Johnny Depp! Alas, no, I am far more ordinary than that; a man approaching middle age, with greying hair and without that wicked walk Johnny does so well.

 **Pir8blocker:** I do have dark hair, as a matter of fact. I have been lucky in avoiding the greying process, but some silver has crept in over the past year or so. Beyond that, I am not much to look at, and given I am approaching middle age myself, I can hardly complain even if you do not (alas) look like Johnny Depp.

 **Rogue60:** Oh, what a lucky guess on my part! I suppose then that I am safe in admitting I have a preference for dark hair, especially worn long, which I suppose also explains my slight preference for Evan in the show. And if I don't look like Johnny Depp, I'd certainly be willing to "play" him for you, if you'd like.

Severus reached up and tucked a stray tendril of hair behind his ear, wondering if this was destiny or some kind of cosmic joke at his expense with a nasty punchline on its way. What else could explain his meeting someone who was intelligent, shared his interests, and liked men with long, dark hair - which he had. At least he knew John would like his hair. It was the rest of the package that was the problem.

 **Pir8blocker:** You are even more in luck: my hair is long, too. I'm wearing it in a ponytail even as we speak. As for playing, I would hardly object to a game of "Norrington interrogates Captain Sparrow" at some point.

 **Rogue60:** You should know I'm licking my lips right now. Over both things. And I have a desire to go out and buy a pair of breeches and high leather boots.

Severus squirmed in his chair, feeling desire stirring anew at the thought of John in breeches and boots although he knew he wasn't up for another round... yet.

 **Pir8blocker:** If we decide to meet at some point, I think breeches and boots would not go amiss. Perhaps I will invest in some myself. It wouldn't do for you to be the only one looking the part. I imagine reproduction uniforms are not that difficult to find.

It was all Remus could do not to squee again, and he itched to type "What about right now, then?" But he didn't dare, not yet. No matter how great the temptation.

 **Rogue60:** I imagine they aren't, especially after those films as well as the Hornblower series that was made a few years ago. Although that is only one possibility, you know, and mostly based on the whimsy of your user name. There are other things that could be equally as appealing, I think. Such as voodoo rituals and being tied up on altars... that scene really was very, very hot.

 **Pir8blocker:** Indeed it was. I have not had experience with bondage, but watching that scene gives me incentive to learn. I can think of other scenarios as well. "Ruthless vampire stalking innocent, helpless victim in the dead of night" is one that comes to mind.

 **Rogue60:** Oh, I could get into that. I, um... I like biting. It's a kink of mine. Perhaps that is what drew me to the vampire genre to begin with.

A soft moan escaped Severus before he could stop himself, and he felt his face grow warm, grateful that no one was around to hear him.

 **Pir8blocker:** I believe I could "get into" that too. It is rather appealing. I suppose we will be able to provide each other with quite an active and varied outlet.

 **Rogue60:** I'm certain we could. What do you think about... oh, damnation! Ethan, I am SO sorry, but I've just had a client ping me. She's having to go into the hospital for surgery and is having a bit of a panic attack. I have to go... as much as I would prefer to talk to you, she needs me to help her through this.

Severus sighed, oddly disappointed, but John's work took precedence over regaling each other with sexual fantasies. There would be time enough for that later since they had agreed to continue indulging each other and providing an outlet.

 **Pir8blocker:** Quite all right. I understand. I should get back to the system I am working on anyway; it is nearly ready to test. I will talk to you later.

 **Rogue60:** Later, then. I hope you have a wonderful night. I know I will.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus felt restless.

It happened to him sometimes, usually around the time of the full moon, but it could happen at other times as well, when he felt a pressure weighing down on him, something he couldn't control or deny. Things like Dark Lords threatening his friends, or some other impending horror beyond his meagre control. Like becoming a werewolf. Or death.

Staring morosely at his powered-off computer, Remus drew in a deep breath, letting it out and trying to force the tension away with it. It didn't help, though, not that he really expected it to. How could deep breathing or positive thinking erase the spectre of mortality? How could all the supportive words in the world stop the hands of time or halt the failing of the human body?

Nothing could, of course, but the knowledge didn't give Remus any real solace. Losing a client to death was the hardest part of his job, and while it didn't happen often, this wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. But each time affected him deeply, leaving him to question himself and wonder what else he could have done or if he had done any good at all in easing the pain and loneliness when someone he had been trying to help faced that final moment every person must face alone. 

It also made him question his own life. Many of his clients had family and friends who would be left behind to mourn them, and Remus always counseled them to do everything they could to make certain they would leave as few regrets as possible. Apologize, absolve, do anything necessary to make peace with their lives, do everything they wanted to do so that they didn't feel as though they would die unfulfilled. Even though most of his clients weren't terminal, the truth was that anyone with a serious, chronic condition was at risk of dying suddenly and unexpectedly, and Remus was always careful to point this out in as positive a way as he could. It was rare that he thought of himself that way, however. Except when mortality jumped up and slapped him in the face.

Regrets... he had more than a few, of course, although Ethan had been helpful in dealing with some of those. Fulfillment... now that was the tricky part. Did he feel fulfilled? If the next full moon were to be his last, what would he not have done that he wished he had? 

Again his thoughts turned to Ethan. He thought their interaction had brought them even closer, and they had begun indulging each other's fantasies and sharing their lives and their interests these past few days. And yet the computers which had brought them together still stood between them, a safety net of sorts, protecting the reality of their lives from the fantasies they created. If he were to die, it would be not only without ever having touched the man he felt closer to than anyone else in the world, it would be without ever having even seen his face.

Remus had been afraid to push to far too fast. Now he was suddenly afraid that he might never get the chance.

"Bloody hell," he muttered, and he booted his computer with a vicious jab at the button. This wasn't going to continue; he couldn't let it. They had a _connection_. He felt it, and he was almost positive Ethan felt it too. There could be more than fantasies between them. There could be full, glorious reality, and it was up to him to take the plunge.

When his mailtool finally came up, Remus hesitated. He could tell Ethan he wanted to meet without going into detail and see if that would be enough to intrigue him. But he never liked to feel as though he were making some kind of demand, sensing that Ethan wasn't one for being dictated to or given ultimatums. No, he was going to have to be honest, _completely_ honest, no matter how difficult that was going to be. All he could do was hope that Ethan would understand and trust him as much as Remus thought he did.

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: May 1, 2006  
Subject: A confession

Ethan -

Today, a client of mine died.

It's happened before, of course, although not often. This one, however, hit me particularly hard; partly because the young man in question seemed to have so much life ahead of him, so much promise, only to be let down by the failings of his body, and partly because I haven't been taking the advice I manage to dole out so freely to everyone else. First, because I would leave more regrets behind me than I would like, some of which I can do something about, and second, because I haven't been completely honest with you. Not that I've lied. I swear to you I've never told you an untruth. I've just not told you everything.

See, one reason why I can connect with my clients on such a fundamental level is that I, too, suffer from a chronic but non-fatal illness. I am _not_ dying, and there is no reason at all to expect that I won't have as full and complete a life as anyone else, but as with the young man who died this morning, there is no guarantee. There is no guarantee for anyone, I suppose, but right now, my own mortality is staring me in the face more fully than it has done in a long time. 

Which brings me to the regrets.

You've helped me deal with so much, more than you know, and I'm grateful for that. I cherish our relationship and the things we've shared. As I told you after our first shared fantasy, it's more than just the physical release we've given each other. I feel an attraction to you, a connection that I value highly. To be honest, I think I'm more than half in love with you. Facing mortality this way has made me want more than anything to find out just where we could go together, how high we could fly. I realized that if I were to die, my greatest regret at this moment would be never having touched you or seen your face. It doesn't matter to me what you look like. You are _you_ , and no one else ever could replace you in my life. Young, old, handsome, ugly - I don't care. I know what I want, and that is you.

If you aren't running away screaming at this point - and I think I know you well enough to believe you aren't, although I can almost imagine you biting your lip, or perhaps drumming your fingers on the desktop as you read - then please, open the attachment. This is me, the _real_ me. I want to continue to be the one who fulfills your fantasies, but I want to do it in person, where I can touch you and hold you and feel the reality of you. 

I'll understand if you don't feel the same way, and you know that I would never pressure you for anything you aren't ready to give. It's not my way, and I know that there is no way to achieve my happiness if it sacrifices yours. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me, but I have to ask. I hope you understand. If all you can ever want from me is the faceless lover who gives you his words, then that's what I'll be; but I am asking you for the chance to give you all of myself.

Yours - and I am yours in ways you probably don't realize,  
John

View attachment. Download attachment.

* * *

It had been a long day, and Severus had avoided email or chat in favor of putting the finishing touches on a security system for a picky client who had a precise idea of what he wanted and just enough knowledge to be annoying. The client had been pestering Dierdre with questions and suggestions, all of which Severus had ignored and Dierdre had fielded with the kind of tact and diplomacy Severus lacked. But the system was complete, and Severus set up the test simulation with relief and high hopes that he wouldn't need to do much debugging so he could be finished with that particular client for good.

He dropped heavily into his chair and tossed his glasses on his desk, rubbing his eyes. His stomach growled, and he realized he hadn't eaten since breakfast. Caught up in his work, he had neglected everything, including food. Too tired to drag himself over to the mini-fridge, he opened it with a wave of his hand and put his glasses back on so he could peer across the room and see what was in stock. Dierdre, bless her, had left a caesar salad with grilled chicken in there. It wouldn't fill him, but it would tide him over until he went home and heated up the leftover beef stew he had made in his slow cooker a few days ago.

He summoned the plastic container holding the salad and a fork, and he lifted the lid of his laptop, hitting the on button and letting it boot while he pried off the lid off the salad and began to eat, blunting the edge of hunger with a few bites of lettuce and grilled chicken. He was eager to check his email and see if John had been in touch; perhaps it was foolish to miss someone from online, but there it was. He opened the email, frowning a little with sympathy when he saw the opening line.

His frown deepened as he continued to read, and his stomach clenched again, although from apprehension rather than hunger this time. He sensed this had been building for some time, although he had tried to ignore it for reasons of self-preservation grounded in decades-worth of painful experience. He wasn't surprised John had grown tired of waiting for him to take this step and made it himself, and in a way, he was relieved. It spared him the necessity of making the first move, and while his throat had grown too dry to take another bite of salad, he didn't hesitate to click "view" so he could see the face of the man who had burrowed under his defenses and into his affections.

He drummed his fingers impatiently while he waited for the image to load - and then he shoved his chair back from his desk in a violent recoiling, his eyes wide as he gaped at the screen.

John - the man he had talked to, fantasized with, opened up to - was none other than Remus Lupin.

He pushed his fingers through his hair, his breathing growing rapid and shallow as he raced through every email and conversation he could remember, trying to think if he had made too great a fool of himself to his old... not enemy, but certainly not friend or colleague. His lip curled in a silent snarl; what he had thought was destiny had been a cosmic joke after all. Perhaps this had all been a set-up!

No... He had covered his tracks when he left the Wizarding World, and their meeting online had been purely coincidental; Remus had no more idea that he had been speaking to Severus than Severus had. What they had shared had been real. Genuine.

And that was what terrified him the most.

* * *

When Remus didn't receive a reply from Ethan immediately, he tried to not feel anxious. He knew that what he had requested had enormous implications, and that what he had said about being in love might be enough to concern Ethan, perhaps even frighten him. That was one of the difficulties with this kind of relationship, where you couldn't see the other person to judge their reactions. Remus knew there was nothing he could do now except wait. And hope. With that knowledge, he finally forced himself to go bed very, very late, but he lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling and wondering if he would ever hear from Ethan again.

The second day passed. He thought at one point he might have broken his mouse, so often did he click on his inbox to check his mail, his heart leaping to his throat every time there was an unread message. It was hard, but he forced himself to go about his normal business, replying to his clients as needed. It was a day of ups and downs, hope rising and falling so often that he felt almost dizzy with it. That night, he couldn't bring himself to watch the cliffhanger episode of _Blood Bathory_ , the one which would be followed by weeks of reruns before the new shows aired after the mid-season hiatus. How could he care about the show when he might have lost Ethan forever? The show had come to symbolize more than just entertainment to him; it was the vehicle which had brought him companionship to ease his loneliness, passion to fill the empty place in his life, and the promise of something even greater. It was a promise unfulfilled, however, and without Ethan there to share it, he just couldn't bear to watch. Instead he sat at his keyboard, staring at the screen, wondering if he had moved too fast and thereby lost something which had become more precious to him than he had realized.

Dawn of the third day greeted his bleary, sleepless gaze, offering little and delivering even less. His stomach was in knots, and he couldn't eat, feeling like a total fool for having misread the situation and pushed Ethan too hard. He should have been happy with what they had, should have given it time to grow rather than letting the pressure of his client's death push him into doing something rash. It could have been his words inspiring doubt or fear, or it could have been the picture. Perhaps Ethan found him physically undesirable and just couldn't bring himself to tell "John" the truth. No matter which it was, however, Remus couldn't help holding on to one last shred of hope. It was no doubt foolish and "overly optimistic", as Ethan had often accused him of being, but Remus didn't want to give up, not yet. Even if all logic and common sense told him that's what he ought to do.

By the fourth day, he was merely going through the motions, barely able to focus on his work. The hours blurred together, an endless succession of bleak nothingness. He could barely concentrate on his clients, which was unacceptable, and he finally forced himself to the kitchen to make a pot of tea and eat a sandwich he couldn't taste. It did nothing for his spirits, but his body responded to the nourishment well enough to allow him to finish up with his clients before heading off to bed. 

Again sleep was a long time in coming, and when it finally did, it brought a nightmare, one in which every error he had made and every self-doubt he had ever had was paraded before him, gleefully narrated by none other than Severus Snape.

_Severus gave a nasty smirk, staring down the length of his impressive nose at Remus, his dark eyes full of loathing. "You thought you'd found love. You thought you'd be **happy**. What makes you think you have a right to happiness, Lupin? You're no hero, war or not. You're nothing but a coward who was too afraid to stand up to his friends. No one could ever love you, not really. You're a monster. A **thing**. An animal in a man's body. You've always known it too, haven't you? You let me suffer at the hands of your friends because you knew if you didn't, they'd turn on you. That's worse than cowardice! It's evil, plain and simple, and as horrible as anything I ever did. Did you ever think how things might have been different if you **had** done the right thing by me? I would have never joined the Death Eaters. I wouldn't have been there to overhear Dumbledore talking about the prophecy, and I wouldn't have taken that information back to Voldemort, and he never would have marked the Potters for death. Your friends would all still be alive. Not that they would be your friends, of course, but that's beside the point. It just proves that you aren't worthy to even **have** friends. No one wants you, Lupin. You were a fool for thinking things were any different now. I died alone and unmourned, and it's your fault. No one can offer you my forgiveness! I don't forgive you, and I never will."_

_Remus stared at the spectre, trying to summon up a rebuttal of the crimes being heaped on his head, but unable to manage even a single word in his own defense. Severus was right; he didn't deserve to be happy or to have someone love him._

And from the looks of things, it was apparent that no one ever would.

* * *

The days that followed passed slowly, and even immersing himself in work didn't help Severus put the problem of what to do about Remus Lupin out of his mind. He avoided both his personal email and chat, not wanting to see that photograph or any of the emails he had saved or risk having Remus contact him. He avoided the community as well, not wanting to see any posts from Rogue60; instead, he spent his time offline, and when he did connect, he remained safely in his tech forums where there were familiar faces that he hadn't engaged in virtual sex with.

It was cowardly, he knew, and he was not a coward, but he didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. He could reply to the email and reject "John" without admitting who he was or that he knew "John's" true identity. But the thought of cutting John - no, Remus - off completely made a little ache twist in his gut. As much as he hated to admit it, he had fallen too - hard.

That left the option of keeping their interaction limited to the Internet, but Remus had offered to make all their fantasies real, and of late, Severus had found the words weren't enough. He too wanted to know the touch of John - Remus - who-the-hell-ever's hand. He wanted to know his lover's scent and the taste of his skin. He wanted a real, solid, warm body against his, and he wanted _that_ particular body. He couldn't continue with the empty virtual sex any longer.

Which left him with only one choice: to reveal his own identity.

Which scared the hell out of him.

It had been bad enough to think of "John" seeing him in person and finding him unattractive. Remus knew him - they had a long and tangled history - and for all he knew, Remus didn't even like him, much less find him attractive. What if Remus' interest in him withered and died when he found out whom he had been chatting with all this time?

Their history was certainly a problem, although at least Severus had the satisfaction of knowing Remus regretted what had happened in the past. Looking back now, he had no doubt Remus was referring to him when expressing all those regrets and offering an apology. That was one thing in his favor, but there was so much else, including how Severus had treated Remus.

He fretted and dithered all day every day, and his dilemma kept him up at night; he turned over every option, looking for holes, trying desperately to find a safe path to follow, but there was none. He had to take a risk or get out. And taking risks was not unknown to Severus Snape.

On the evening of the fourth day, he curled up on one end of his sofa in his comfort clothes and turned on his laptop; he was more nervous now than he ever had been in the heat of battle, but that had been merely life or death. The stakes here were much higher. He flexed his fingers to quell the slight tremor in them, and he went to his personal email account, checking it for the first time in days. He bypassed all of the new mail, refusing to be distracted. It was now or never, and if he let himself procrastinate, he might very well talk himself out of what he was about to do.

 

To: Rogue60@gmail.com  
From: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
Date: May 5, 2006  
Subject: A Reciprocal Confession

I apologize for the delay in my response, but when you see the attachment enclosed, I believe you will understand why. It is not a recent photo; it was taken a few years ago before I started my own business. My former employer sent a few of us to a conference, and it was there the photograph was taken.

When I left (you will know where in a moment) eight years ago, I cut my hair, but when this photo was taken, I had begun letting it grow out again. The silver had not appeared at that point either.

View attachment. Download attachment.

* * *

After waking from his nightmare in the wee hours of the morning, Remus felt not only exhausted but defeated. Even though the image of Severus in his mind had been a manifestation of his own guilt, that didn't mean the thoughts of his own unworthiness to find happiness hadn't been true. Not to mention his opinion of his own desirability had plummeted to zero, given Ethan's complete and utter silence. Ethan must have been utterly repulsed to not have bothered replying this long.

He didn't even bother to check his email that morning, which was a gross dereliction of duty, given his clients might have need of him. It was selfish, but he couldn't bring himself to go through yet another day of waiting for a reply that would never come. Instead he went shopping, although all he really ended up doing was walking aimlessly along the streets of London, seeing nothing and no one, feeling emptier and more hopeless than he had since the end of the war.

It was very late indeed when he returned to his flat, having bought nothing at all and unable to remember where he had been headed in the first place. All he wanted was to fall into bed, but he was afraid there would be more nightmares awaiting him rather than the oblivion he craved. Not only that, but he did have a responsibility, people who counted on him to be there for him. It wasn't their fault that Remus' heart was broken over a man he had never met. They shouldn't be made to pay for the fact that no one wanted him, and no one ever would.

Slowly he walked over to his computer, turning it on and staring at it, not wanting to check his email but unable to put it off any longer. Sighing, he brought up his mailtool, scanning over the list of mails and freezing abruptly as he saw one from Ethan. His heart pounded, and his throat went dry, and he felt a surge of wild hope at the subject line. Perhaps it wasn't something about him after all. Perhaps there was something that Ethan had been afraid to tell him as well. But what could it be?

There was only one way to find out, and with a trembling hand, Remus clicked on the mouse. It took but a moment to read over the paragraph, and Remus frowned. Ethan had said multiple times that he wasn't attractive. Was that the basis of this, then? Did he think so little of himself that he was afraid Remus would running screaming from one mere glimpse?

Remus drew in a deep breath and opened the photograph, not knowing what he would see. When he finally focused on the features of the man in the picture, he could only stare, stunned at the impossible sight. It simply couldn't be real!

Could it?

 

To: Pir8blocker@gmail.com  
From: Rogue60@gmail.com  
Date: May 5, 2006  
Subject: We need to talk

Severus -

I'm on chat. I think we should talk, don't you?

Yours,  
Remus

* * *

Severus was about to shut down his laptop and go to bed; the evening had passed, and Remus hadn't responded. Given Severus had taken days to reply, he could hardly complain, but still, he had hoped Remus wouldn't wait as long as he had to respond. But he refreshed his email one last time - and there was a reply. Brief and to the point. Severus swallowed hard, apprehension rising within him. Was the fact that Remus wanted to talk "face to face" a good sign or merely a sign that he wanted to yell at and reject Severus in real time?

But he braced himself and turned on his chat program, logging in and forcing down his nervousness as he prepared for the conversation.

 **Pir8blocker:** Here I am.

His chat client pinged quickly, alerting him to Severus' arrival, and Remus took a deep breath and prepared to initiate a message. Before he could, however, Severus contacted him.

 **Rogue60:** Severus... I have to admit to being absolutely floored. I thought you were dead. Everyone thought you were dead. But you know that, I'm sure. That was your plan, right?

 **Pir8blocker:** Yes, it was. My job was to weaken the Dark Lord's position, shuttle what information I could to the Order, and help Potter fulfill his destiny, as trite as that may sound. In the heat of battle, I realized my job was finished. The Dark Lord was dead; the rest was just clean-up. I knew I would be part of the clean-up process if I remained to help the Order and their allies. Rather than linger and let myself be arrested and likely executed, I exchanged clothes with one of Greyback's victims, and I Apparated away before anyone could recognize me. I had no reason to stay and every reason to go. I left and started over in the Muggle world. The rest is history.

Remus contemplated that reply, which was exactly what he expected it to be. The next one was trickier, and he bit his lip as he typed.

 **Rogue60:** So I had surmised. It seems then that we both departed the lives we had known and ending up finding each other once again under strange circumstances. I assume from your long silence after you saw my picture that you had no idea with whom you were corresponding? Especially not at first, because I can well imagine you would rather have been exchanging pleasantries with Harry himself rather than me. No, don't bother to answer that. I suppose the real question is... what do you feel about me now? 

Severus hesitated with his hands poised over the keyboard, uncertain how to answer or how much risk he ought to take. Remus hadn't given any indication how _he_ felt now that he knew who "Ethan" really was, but perhaps the fact that he had asked rather than told Severus to sod off was enough reason to take another risk.

 **Pir8blocker:** For the past few weeks, "John" has been the best thing about my life. I enjoyed the emails, the chatting, and the indulgences. He was more than an outlet; he grew to become a friend, someone I had considered taking as a lover. Knowing you are "John" changes things, yes. However, I suspect what we have shared online behind artificial identities has been far more real than anything interaction that occurred between us face to face.

It gave Remus a pang to know that since he was "John", Severus felt differently about him, but he supposed it was only fair. Knowing that "Ethan" was Severus changed things for him, after all, although as he mulled it over and got used to the idea, perhaps it didn't make as much of a difference as he thought. As he recalled all their exchanges, "Ethan" had been quite true to the spirit of Severus Snape, if perhaps a bit milder than the man Remus remembered - and certainly milder than the spectre of whom he had dreamed. Now the question was what did _he_ want, and did Severus want the same? 

Surely he must, since he had come back and identified himself to Remus. The "old" Severus, the one who had hated him for years, would have known he had the perfect opportunity to play Remus for a complete and utter fool, to make his life a living hell, to break his heart and mock him for it for all eternity. But he hadn't; he had confessed in turn, placing himself in what was an uncharacteristically vulnerable position. He had, in a very real way, given Remus control of the situation rather than keeping it for himself. He had put Remus' feelings at least on par with his own, if not above, considering he had answered the question Remus put to him with no indication of how Remus himself felt. And wasn't putting the feelings of someone else above your own the truest definition of love?

 **Rogue60:** Like you, I believe our communication these last several weeks has been the most genuine thing we have shared in forty years. No assumptions, no interference from outside, no rivalry based on the whims of some stupid hat or the artificial standards of people other than ourselves. While we both have been wearing masks as we have always done, I believe they have hidden only our faces, not our hearts. Or at least that's true in my case. Yes, knowing the man sharing my fantasies is you gives me a bit of a shock, but thinking on it now, while it may change our circumstances, it doesn't change my feelings. I've been attracted to Ethan since the beginning, fascinated, amused, exasperated at times, too. I told Ethan weeks ago that it didn't matter what "he" looked like, and that's still true. He is you, after all, and as I said in my email when I sent my picture, I'm more than half in love with the man I've been sharing all this with. That means you, Severus. Being in love with Ethan means I am in love with you; that hasn't changed. You're the lover of my fantasies. I still want you to be the lover I hold in my arms.

Remus hesitated for a moment - just a moment. This was more than he'd meant to say when he began typing, but every word of it was true, the outpouring of his heart with no attempt to hide anything or protect himself. It was possible Severus would say that he didn't want the same, but not knowing the reaction he would get didn't change what Remus knew he had to do.

"No regrets," he told himself. Then he crossed his fingers and hit "send".

While he waited for Remus' response, Severus grew more and more convinced he was about to be dumped. Remus had no reason to trust or even like him, and while he had all but said "I never hated you" in the early days of their communication, he couldn't count on Remus remembering and realizing Severus had been referring to him. He drummed his fingers on his desk and quelled the urge to fidget, staring intently at the screen as if he could will the words to appear. And then a reply popped up after what seemed like an eternity, and he read it swiftly, his throat tight with apprehension - and he let out a gusty breath when he finished, scarcely able to believe what he had just read.

He had taken a risk, and it hadn't ended badly for him. Remus wanted him, cared for him in spite of everything. If this was a cosmic joke, perhaps the punchline would be one Severus would enjoy for once.

 **Pir8blocker:** In that case, I believe it is time to move away from written communication and meet in person. I realize it is late, but tomorrow is Saturday. I am off, and if you need to check in with your patients, you may do so from here; I have a wireless network and a laptop. I also have an open bottle of wine and a king sized bed.

He typed in his address and took a deep breath, hitting "send" before he could talk himself out of it.

Remus grinned at the screen, so overwhelmed with relief, he felt dizzy. Severus wanted him. Severus _trusted_ him or else there would have been no way Severus would have given out his address. Remus quickly looked it up on a map, and then he took another deep breath.

 **Rogue60:** Fifteen minutes. Does that suit? Trust me, I need a shower before you see me and to take off the stubble. I've not been as diligent as I should have for the last four days, as you might imagine. I can Apparate nearby and walk up so as not to alarm your neighbors by appearing on your doorstep.

Severus glanced down at himself and grimaced; the flat was in decent shape - Severus had hired a maid to come in every Tuesday, and he wasn't slovenly by nature - but he needed the extra time to make himself presentable too. Threadbare sweatpants and an ancient tee shirt with an unidentifiable stain that refused to come out were hardly conducive to seduction.

 **Pir8blocker:** 15 minutes, then. I will be waiting.

With that, he logged off, shut down his laptop, and hastened into the bedroom. Had he made the bed this morning? Yes. Good. He plumped the pillows for good measure before raiding his wardrobe for something that was clean and in good shape. After a moment's deliberation, he yanked out a pair of soft, faded jeans and a plain black tee shirt, and he began stripping off his sweats.

Before he could dress again, paranoia seized him, and he rushed off to take a lightening-fast shower just in case. No matter what brand of shampoo he used, he still had to wash his hair every day, or its tendency to oiliness made it look greasy and lank. He had washed his hair that morning, but a quick lather wouldn't hurt. He hopped out of the shower and dried his hair with a charm rather than letting it dry naturally as he preferred, and he tied it back out of habit. Rushing back to his bedroom, he dressed swiftly, opting not to wear socks or underpants and to leave his feet bare since he hoped neither of them would remain dressed for long anyway.

A glance at the clock showed it had been almost fifteen minutes, and he went back to curl up on the sofa and wait for Remus' arrival, impatience and apprehension at war within him as the minutes passed.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus hurried through his shower, and for the first time in a long time, he resorted to using his wand to remove his stubble rather than shaving just to save time. Adrenaline and desire were a potent combination, lending swiftness to his actions, and in under ten minutes, he stood in front of his closet, pulling out a soft blue shirt and a pair of black jeans, slipping into them without benefit of undergarments; with any luck, the clothes wouldn't be staying on for long.

Finally ready, Remus pulled his wand and drew a deep breath, and then he Apparated to a small park he had noted on the map close by Severus' home.

He ignored his surroundings when he arrived except for orienting himself in the direction of the address Severus had given him. As he approached the correct number, he finally took note of the buildings, impressed at how nice they were. Nothing posh, but genteel, much nicer than the area where Remus himself lived. Severus had said he was doing well for himself, and so it appeared. He didn't dawdle to admire the architecture however, especially not when he located the right building. He mounted the stairs and spotted the door bearing Severus' number, and he took a deep breath to wipe the ridiculous smile off his face, lifted his hand, and knocked.

The knock on the door startled Severus even though he had been anticipating it, and his heart was racing when he uncurled himself from the sofa and hastened to answer the door. He unlocked it and flung it open, staring at Remus for a moment. It was real, then, not a dream. His online companion really had been Remus Lupin, and they had fallen for each other, and now they were about to have sex. He hoped.

Belatedly, he remembered he was wearing his glasses, and he whipped them off and pulled out the elastic band tying back his hair as well, stuffing them into his back pocket before stepping aside and studying Remus intently. It had been about nine years since they had seen each other; during the last year of the war, Severus had had no dealings with the werewolves, so he and Remus hadn't crossed paths at all, and then he had left the Wizarding world without looking back. Remus had changed, of course. There was more grey in his hair and wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, but he still looked young for his age, and the blue shirt he wore made his eyes absolutely mesmerizing.

"Come in," Severus said, his voice deep and quiet. "You took eighteen minutes, you know."

Remus' gaze immediately riveted on Severus' face, searching the dark eyes he remembered with startling clarity. Severus looked older, but good; very good, actually. He didn't have the seemingly permanent frown line between his eyes any longer, and the expression which had often made Remus think that Severus perpetually smelled something bad was gone as well. He looked... well, as he _should_ have looked all along, like a successful man who was enjoying his life. A sexy, successful man with long hair that Remus itched to bury his fingers in.

"Then you're three minutes overdue for this," he said, lifting his hands to cup Severus' cheeks and craning up on his toes to capture Severus' lips in a light, questioning kiss.

Surprised by the unexpected kiss, Severus didn't respond immediately; his brain was frozen with the effort of processing the fact that someone was kissing him and that the someone in question was Remus. But as soon as the shock wore off, he rested his hands on Remus' hips, tugging Remus closer, and he parted his lips, deepening the kiss and shifting it from questioning to exploratory. He wanted to know how Remus tasted, and since Remus had broken the ice and made it easier for him, he didn't hesitate to claim Remus' mouth with confidence.

Remus suffered a moment of hesitancy when Severus stood still and impassive, but then between one breath and the next, Severus changed, taking control of the kiss and pulling Remus closer, close enough that Remus could feel the firm lines of Severus' body as he tasted the spicy warmth of Severus' mouth. It was better than Remus had thought it would be. It wasn't just that he hadn't been kissed in a long time; it was the way Severus was kissing him, and the way he found himself responding to it. It felt wonderful, perfect, and with a soft moan, he arched against Severus and wound his arms around Severus' shoulders, wanting more of Severus' kisses and not caring that they were standing in the open door of Severus' flat where anyone and everyone could see.

Digging his fingers into Remus' hips, Severus maneuvered Remus into the entrance hall and kicked the door shut; a wave of his hand turned the lock, and then they were safe and snug in the privacy of his flat, all without Severus having to break the kiss and lose one second of tasting and exploring every inch of Remus' mouth. Winding one arm around Remus' waist, he pulled Remus close and tight against him, a soft moan escaping him at the feel of Remus' body aligned with his, and he continued the kiss, slow and deep and tender.

There was a sensation of movement; Remus was vaguely aware of it, but it registered distantly. He was far more interested in the kiss, the slow, warm slide of tongues, the soft rasping of their breath and the closeness of their bodies. His arousal seemed to grow with each passing moment, and he managed enough coherent thought to register that this was so much better than anything he had ever imagined. Severus, or Ethan, it didn't matter the name; this was the man he wanted, the man he had fantasized about for weeks, and now the reality was everything he had ever wanted and more.

When the need to draw a deep breath caused him to pull back, flushed and panting, he smiled up at Severus, rocking his hips against Severus' suggestively. "I hope it was worth the wait," he said, teasing as he gave in to temptation and lifted his hands to run his fingers through the thick mass of Severus' hair.

"Well..." Severus raised one eyebrow and gave Remus a haughty look that was softened by the caresses he smoothed up and down Remus' back, shivering a little at the feel of Remus' fingers in his hair, which felt far better than he expected. "It was a very long three minutes, but I suppose you have adequately made up for it." He regarded Remus somberly for a moment. "I hope," he said carefully, "you have no regrets now that the truth is out, and we have moved from the virtual world to the real one."

Remus shook his head, his smile going from seductive to reassuring. "No, I don't have any regrets. I probably would have - no, I _know_ I would have regrets if things had turned out differently. If you'd disappeared or had rejected me outright. I don't regret that you are you and not a Muggle I had never met before, either. Perhaps it's fate, or karma, or just some way the cosmos has of making us see the mistakes we made years ago, but it's a lesson I'm more than happy to learn. We knew each other for years without knowing each other at all, and now that I know you as you really are, I want to be with you even more than when I wrote that email."

Severus shook his head, bemused. "Then you really are mad," he replied. "But perhaps you are right: this was not a cosmic joke, but a cosmic lesson." He released Remus and stepped back, reaching out to clasp Remus' hand. "I am ready to learn more."

He led Remus to his bedroom, where the promised king-sized bed awaited. Rather than the massive four-poster bed with drapes he'd had at Hogwarts, this bed had a headboard with little ornamentation, although the wood was mahogany, as was the rest of his bedroom furniture, which consisted of a wardrobe, a dresser, and a bedside table. The walls were painted a warm ivory, and while there was nothing in the way of art, there were a few framed photographs - the kind that didn't move - and what seemed like personal mementos scattered around, including a couple of award plaques he had won at the company he had first worked for. This room, like the rest of the flat, illustrated that Severus' taste ran to the simple, classic, and functional, but it was hardly austere.

With a wave of his hand, he turned back the covers, and he brought the lamp on the bedside table to life with a murmured "lumos". He led Remus to the side of the bed and stopped, winding his arms around Remus again and slipping his hands beneath the hem of Remus' shirt, pushing it up.

"This is a little better than a sea captain's cot, but I still intend to pillage and plunder," he murmured, bending his head to trail kisses along Remus' jaw up to his ear.

Remus glanced around as they walked, curious at this glimpse into the life Severus had made for himself. Like Severus - or the mental image of "Ethan" Remus had built up during their acquaintance - everything was understated and neat, but also welcoming in its restful simplicity. He grinned at the sight of the bed, squeezing Severus' hand as he turned into the embrace, mirroring Severus' actions as he trailed his fingers lightly over the warm, bare skin at Severus' waist.

"I'd like that," he said, gazing up at Severus with eyes grown dark and sultry with need. He licked his lips and tilted his head back to give Severus better access to his neck, and he groaned aloud when Severus' lips seemed to home in on the exquisitely sensitive area just beneath his ear. He tightened his hands on Severus' waist, his voice becoming husky. "Oh, God. I don't care if it's the bed or the floor. I want you to take me and fill me, Severus. I want to be so consumed by you that I can't remember any touch but yours."

The touch of Remus' warm hands on his skin made Severus gasp; it had been so long since anyone had touched him as a lover, and his skin was touch-starved, hungering for more. He could scarcely believe Remus was saying such things to _him_ ; he had never heard the words "Severus" and "I want you" used in the same sentence before, and never had any of his few previous lovers responded to him the way Remus was. It was baffling and amazing, and it made his own need flare higher and hotter than before.

"I want that too," he murmured against Remus' throat, breathing in and letting Remus' scent fill his nose. Matching action to word, he pulled back just enough that he could tug Remus' shirt up and off, and he paused, drinking in the sight of Remus' bare torso. No longer did Remus appear scrawny and underfed; he looked healthy, his body a delectable banquet that Severus couldn't wait to devour. Letting the shirt fall to the floor, he splayed his hands on Remus' chest, stroking gently, molding his palm to the planes and angles of Remus' torso as he began to memorize Remus' body through touch.

It was amazing how arousing it was for Severus to be focusing on him with such single-minded intensity, making every inch of Remus' skin unbelievably sensitive as it sucked up the sensation like a hungry sponge. He gasped, fisting his hands in Severus' t-shirt, tugging at it restlessly as he writhed beneath Severus' hands. Finally the desire to feel Severus' skin grew too great, and he made a rather desperate sound in his throat as he stripped Severus' shirt off. 

Feasting his eyes on Severus' bare skin, Remus licked his lips before pulling Severus close again, enjoying the slide of warm bare skin against warm, bare skin. "So good," he said, sliding his hands up Severus' chest, brushing his thumbs over Severus' nipples teasingly. "I want everything so badly, I don't know what to do first. I want to map every inch of your skin with my lips and tongue and teeth, leaving marks all over you, and I want to kiss you until you moan. I want to go to my knees for you." He shifted his hips restlessly against Severus'. "What do you want, my Captain? Anything you want is yours. Just tell me what would please you best, and your loyal mate will do it."

A low hiss escaped Severus, and he arched his back instinctively against Remus' hands, but as if the intense stimulation wasn't enough, Remus' words threatened to make him combust then and there. He didn't answer right away; he couldn't. He had never been given such an offer before, and he wanted _everything_ all at once, but that was impossible. He wanted to explore and memorize Remus' body; he wanted to wallow in sensual satiation of needs that had long been neglected. But they had both been deprived for so long, and their mutual need was too great; there would be plenty of time to make love at their leisure. This time, he didn't want to go slowly.

"I want you naked and on my bed," he said, his voice deep and demanding. " _Now_."

"Oh, yes," Remus growled, running his hands one more time over Severus' chest before stepping back. He toed off his shoes and peeled off his jeans in a smooth motion, allowing them to drop to the floor in a pile at his feet. There was a flush on his cheeks, but he stood proudly, not hiding any of his scars from Severus. He hadn't been naked in front of anyone in a long time, but he knew that Severus wanted him as much as he wanted Severus, and that made it something he could almost flaunt. 

Rolling his hips, Remus backed toward the bed, stopping when he felt the edge of the mattress against his thighs. He held Severus' gaze as he leaned to one side and slid into the bed, settling against the pillows and holding out his arms invitingly. "Like this?"

"Exactly like that." Severus took a moment to look at Remus, letting his gaze roam freely, knowing he had the right to do so. Remus' scars didn't bother him; he had his own, inside and out, and Remus' didn't detract from his masculine beauty in Severus' eyes. When he had looked his fill and his need to touch swelled to a keen ache, he stripped off the rest of his clothes and joined Remus on the bed, moving into Remus' arms eagerly.

He rolled Remus beneath him, aligning their bodied with exquisite perfection, and he bent his head to claim another kiss, reveling in the full body contact, savoring the pleasure of skin against skin.

Remus watched with hunger as Severus bared himself, impatient for them to finally be together, to explore in reality the things they had talked about so often. Fantasies were good, and they had their place, but Remus was more than ready to be possessed and fulfilled in a way that words simply couldn't match.

"Severus," he breathed, wrapping his arms and legs around Severus as he parted his lips to accept the kiss. Warm mouths and hot, hard bodies, the scent of passion rising from Severus skin' and the sound of their hearts pounding together all threatened to overwhelm Remus' senses completely. He slid his hands down Severus' back, nails rasping over the long, clean length of Severus' spine as he sought to bring their bodies even closer. Finally, his hands came to rest high on the curve of Severus' arse, and he moaned hungrily into the kiss as he kneaded his fingers into Severus' flesh and arched upward, seeking even more contact, aching with the depth of his need.

Moaning, Severus arched into the rake of Remus' nails, and he shuddered, growing light-headed from the pleasure of this contact alone; it had been so long since he had touched or been touched, and as much as he tried to fight it, his desire for his online companion had grown, making his neglected desires that much stronger. Now that he was able to unleash them at last, he scarcely felt in control of his own body, his senses drowning in the taste and feel and scent of Remus Lupin.

Flinging out one arm, he summoned his wand, and he muttered a couple of charms that would prepare Remus for their joining. Perhaps he was acting in as much haste as a randy adolescent, but he didn't care. He needed Remus _now_ , and that need would no longer be denied. Positioning himself carefully, he eased forward, the feel of tight heat surrounding and welcoming him wrenching a desperate groan from his throat, and he trembled with the effort of moving slowly until he had filled Remus completely rather than taking Remus hard and fast.

Anticipation tingled along every nerve in Remus' body as he felt the charms take effect, and his groan rose in harmony to Severus' as Severus brought their bodies together in a slow, hot slide. It had been so long, and it felt so good to be filled and taken with such careful deliberation. He was panting, sweat breaking out all over his body as he shivered, holding still only by sheer force of will when he desperately wanted to pull Severus in faster.

It was worth it, though, when they were finally joined deep and tight, and Remus let out his breath in a long, low growl. He tilted his head back so that he could see Severus' face, moving one hand up so that he could trace a finger over Severus' lips. "So good, so perfect," he murmured. Then he lifted his other hand as well, placing them both over his head and turning them so that he could grasp the headboard, his body arching backwards in a seductively submissive pose. "Take me, Severus. Love me and set us both free."

The submissiveness spoke to Severus on a deep, primal level, bringing out all his aggressive, dominating instincts to the forefront, and he let go, no longer holding himself in check. Bracing himself, he began to move, thrusting deep and hard, unleashing all his passion, letting it overtake and consume him. A sound that was half-groan and half-growl rumbled in his chest, and his body was taut, his skin drenched in sweat as he claimed Remus with wild abandon.

Remus threw his head back, eyes narrowed to slits as he focused on Severus' face, the sight of Severus lost in passion almost as overwhelming as the feeling of Severus pounding into his body, every thrust sending jolts of electricity through his body, driving him higher and closer to toward a glittering peak. He urged Severus on, matching his rhythm with ease, murmuring praise and encouragement until he could no longer shape words. He gave over to incoherent moans, his knuckles white as he gripped the headboard. 

Pushing his hand between them, Severus curled his fingers around Remus and began stroking him, matching the hard, swift rhythm of their bodies as he sought to drive Remus over the edge. He was so close himself, panting with the exertion of holding back, but he wanted to watch Remus come undone, wanted to see the moment when Remus was completely lost in ecstasy.

The pressure of Severus' hand caused Remus to gasp, his eyes flying wide as he felt himself driven even higher and faster toward the edge of oblivion. Then he cried out Severus' name, arching backward as he shattered into a million fragments, his body no longer able to contain the exquisite sensations that coursed over him. It was the most intense thing he had ever experienced, and it was made even more precious by the knowledge that it was Severus giving it to him, healing the regrets of years in the indescribable bliss of their joining.

"I love you, Severus," he said, moving his hands to grasp Severus' hips. "Now come with me."

All it took was hearing the words - _those_ words, the ones he had never expected to hear from anyone - and Severus fell. Literally, figuratively - in every way possible. Ecstasy sang in his blood, washing over him and sweeping him along, pulsing to the rhythm of those words, and he cried out with the force of it. He gave over himself body and soul, and he put his heart into Remus' hands, holding nothing back.

Spent and sated, he slumped atop Remus, too breathless to speak, and he nuzzled slow, tender kisses along Remus' throat and jaw up to his lips, claiming them again in a deep, possessive kiss that expressed everything he could not say.

Remus enfolded Severus in his arms, murmuring approval of the kisses, running his hands over sweat-damp skin in languid, sated caresses. He returned the fierce kiss with equal emotion, melting into it as he felt the pure emotion Severus was offering him so fully and freely. Remus didn't need words; they'd had plenty of words between them before now, after all. He needed this, the feeling of Severus in his body, in his arms, the touch and taste and scent of him, the fact that he was _here_ saying more than whole novels ever could.

When the kiss ended at last, he gave a breathy chuckle, nuzzling against Severus' cheek as he felt the purest happiness he could ever remember flowing over him. "You know how you once told me it's hard when there is no happiness to leaven the times when the darkness consumes you at night? Well, you've just given me so much happiness, I don't think any darkness can ever touch me again."

Severus cupped Remus' cheek in one hand, gazing down at him with amazement in his eyes. "I also once said I have never been truly happy. I can make that claim no longer."

Summoning his wand again, he murmured a spell to clean them both up, and he eased away from Remus, but only just long enough to roll onto his side and pull Remus into his arms again, entangling their limbs. Releasing a slow, quiet sigh, he relaxed, drowsy and content in Remus' embrace.

Remus felt his heart swell as Severus made that admission, knowing instinctively that for someone like Severus, it was tantamount to a declaration. He sighed with contentment as Severus pulled him into his arms, giving himself over to the snuggling wholeheartedly. "I'm glad I could be the one to make you happy. I'm glad that you're the one who made _me_ happy. After everything that's happened, I feel like all those bad times in my life have lead to something at last, if that makes sense. It no longer seems quite so pointless, if that's what it took to get me here to you."

"That's just the sort of nauseatingly soppy sentiment I would expect from you," Severus replied even as he nestled closer. "However, as I am inclined to agree, I won't be as scathing as I could be about it." He pressed a kiss to Remus' forehead. "The only question is - now that we have this happiness, what do we do with it? Do we begin to date like normal people, or do we move forward in a different way?"

Remus snorted and gave Severus a small swat on the arse. "Cheeky bastard. No wonder I want you madly," he said. "Hmmm... Well, we've never been normal people, have we? I don't know if I'd even know where to start. As far as a different way... I suppose that depends on what you have in mind. If it involves breeches and boots, it's definitely not normal, but I'm certain to adore it."

Making a mental note to see about buying or commissioning an Eighteenth century naval uniform, Severus considered the options. He supposed if they considered their weeks of interaction online as dating, there was little point in dating in the real world. Perhaps it was rushing things, but...

"We could go ahead and move in together," he said.

Remus' eyes widened, but it was only from surprise that Severus was willing to move that quickly. _He_ certainly didn't mind, and his look of surprise melted into a brilliant smile. "I'd like that. I'd like it very much," he said, tightening his arms around Severus for a moment. "But only if you're really comfortable with it. I don't want you to feel as though you're being stifled or overwhelmed by me. I want to be with you, but I'd rather give you space and have you be happy if that's what you need."

Severus gave him an aggrieved look. "I would not have suggested it if I did not want to do it." He reached up and traced Remus' smiling lips gently with his forefinger. "I have spent too much of my life denying myself or being denied the things I want. Life is short, even for Wizards, and there is no point in wasting more time. I want you. I want to talk to you without resorting to turning on my laptop, and I want to have sex with you on a regular - even frequent - basis, which will be easier and more convenient if we are living together. Therefore, I want to live with you, either here or in a place we choose together."

"So do I," Remus replied, and he pursed his lips to kiss Severus' finger. His expression grew a bit more solemn. "You're right, life is short, and we shouldn't waste any of it. Especially as we've already seen the worst of each other and know that we can accept it." 

He stroked Severus' back again, letting his fingers linger provocatively at the jut of Severus' hip as his smile returned, this time wickedly teasing. "And how can I refuse the offer of frequent sex? Especially after going without for so long? Not that our trysts online weren't enjoyable; I just look forward to indulging each other in person." Remus licked his lips. "Although you realize we might have to modify this bed; the size is wonderful, but there isn't anywhere to tie the ropes."

Severus gave a snort for form's sake, but the thought of enacting the bondage fantasies they had shared made him shiver with anticipatory pleasure. "I'm sure we can make the changes easily enough." He paused, lost in thought for a moment. "There are other considerations. I assume you haven't broken all ties with the Wizarding world as I have. I hope not, since one of us must procure the ingredients I need to brew the Wolfsbane potion for you. Unless you have someone else making it for you?"

"No, I haven't," Remus said, feeling a surge of gratitude for Severus' offer and all it implied. "I still go back at the full moon to transform out in the Forbidden Forest, where there is a warded area set up for me. Even with my Muggle salary, I don't have enough money to pay someone to make the potion for me. Are you sure you want to do that, though? I know it takes a lot of time, and if you don't brew anymore, I'd hate to be a burden on you that way. I can keep going to the forest."

"I brew my own analgesics and other simple potions when I need them," Severus replied, giving Remus another aggrieved look. "I haven't brewed anything as challenging or complex as the Wolfsbane Potion since I left, but again, I would not have suggested it if I did not want to do it. There is no point in you being exiled to the Forbidden Forest once a month when I possess both the time and skill to make the potion."

"Then I accept with gratitude," Remus replied, cuddling even closer to Severus with a sigh of contentment. He stroked his hands over Severus' back as he thought about everything that had happened over the years since the end of the war, especially the past few weeks; he never would have thought things would turn out this way, but it was one time when reality managed to be even better than fantasy. "Do you ever have any desire to go back, Severus? I mean, since your name was cleared and it's been so many years, have you thought about popping back in and saying, 'Ha! See, told you so!' or something? After how you were vilified over Albus' death, I certainly understand you wanting to leave, but it wasn't really a choice, was it? If you'd stayed, there is no telling what they might have done, but I know it wouldn't have been pleasant even after you were vindicated."

Severus grimaced when he thought of how things might have turned out had he stayed. At best, he likely would have ended up a pariah; at worst, he would have ended up dead. "I admit the thought of being able to say 'I told you so' has crossed my mind, but not strongly enough to make me do it. There are things about the Wizarding world I miss, but I have carved out a life here that has made me far more content than any aspect of my life before. Perhaps it would be different now the war is over, but I have no significant ties there. No friends, no family. I still use magic, so it isn't as if I am cut off from that aspect."

He frowned a little, casting his mind back to the end of the war. "It _was_ a choice, actually. It was the first choice I made of my own volition in quite some time. I could have stayed and dealt with the fallout, perhaps lived to see my name cleared, but it did not matter enough to me to do so. I had a moment of clarity amid the chaos of battle: I was free, and I wanted to leave. So I did, and I have no need or desire to return." He glanced at Remus. "If _you_ visit, that is fine. However, I would ask that if you speak of our involvement to anyone who might know me, refer to me as Ethan Prince, a Muggle who designs custom computer security systems."

Remus listened to Severus, his expression somber. Then he nodded, tightening his hold on Severus as a gesture of comfort and understanding. "I do visit, but rarely. More rarely still after the rash of weddings right after the war finally subsided and the first of the children were born. That's why I'm living as a Muggle as well; I have friends there, but no family, and no one has much use for a gay uncle who couldn't find a job, and I always felt as though I was in the way or a reminder of things everyone would rather forget. It was easier to find work out here too, and so... here I am." He smiled. "Here we _both_ are, and this is where I want to stay. I'll go back for the potions ingredients, but I think I'll get them from somewhere I'm not known. It would be just my luck for someone to see and wonder about what I'm doing, since everyone knows I was pants at potions."

"You were at that," Severus replied with blunt matter-of-factness. He caressed Remus' hip idly while he considered the options. "There are other apothecaries than those in Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. If you still have an owl, we can always arrange to have things delivered through the post as well. We will find a way of getting what we need. I don't see why we shouldn't have the best of both worlds," he added, his expression growing determined, almost fierce. "We've earned it, damn it."

"Yes, we have," Remus replied, and then he closed his eyes and gave a small hum of pleasure as Severus caressed him. "You know, if you keep doing that you're going to have to take care of anything that comes up."

Smirking, Severus slid his hand around to grope Remus' arse. "That will not be a problem," he purred, and then he leaned in and bit down lightly on Remus' neck, hoping something _did_ come up.

It did.

* * *

In one respect, it was a typical evening at home. Severus was on the sofa, wearing a pair of old sweatpants and a tee shirt with his glasses perched on his nose so he could better see the action on the screen. There had been a new episode of _Blood Bathory_ on, the first since its mid-season hiatus, and he hadn't wanted to miss anything.

The difference was that he wasn't in _his_ flat; he was in _their_ house. There were still unpacked boxes scattered around, and their furniture wasn't all placed where they wanted it, but the bedroom was all set up just as they liked, and that was the important thing. Rather than remain in London, they had gone house-hunting in the smaller towns outside London. Remus could work from anywhere, after all, and Severus could easily commute to his office via Apparation.

The difference was that Remus was snuggled against his side, and there was a large bowl of popcorn - light salt, no butter - to share.

The difference was that just prior to the programme beginning, they had been in bed, panting and sated. The uniform Severus had commissioned had arrived at last, and he had hastened to the bedroom to change while Remus was distracted with something on their desktop computer. Summoning his laptop, Severus had turned on chat and sent a message: "Are you busy with a client?" When Remus replied no, Severus had smirked and sent a message he knew would make Remus come running: "Come here, Mr. Lupin. I wish to discuss your impertinence in front of the men. It was intolerable, and you must be punished."

Remus' reaction to the uniform had been everything Severus had hoped it would be and then some. Fortunately, the rips and missing buttons could be mended easily enough with a charm, and it would be as good as new for the next time - and there _would_ be a next time. Severus felt quite dashing in that uniform, which was a novel enough experience in itself without the added benefit of the look of besotted lust on Remus' face when he looked at Severus wearing it.

But playtime was over, and now they were enjoying their first night of _Blood Bathory_ in their new home, snuggling on the sofa, and Severus was quite pleased by the differences indeed.

Remus gave a sigh of contentment and curled closer to Severus, resting his head on Severus' shoulder as he reached into the bowl of popcorn. Life in the last few weeks had been better than he had ever dreamed as he and Severus had found the interests which had brought them together and the bonds of attraction and affection forged without ever seeing each other had continued to grow and deepen once they were together in the flesh. It wasn't just sex - although _that_ was certainly a wonderful benefit - but also their shared history that helped them meld their lives smoothly. Once the barriers between them had come down, they found they had even more in common than they imagined. They had meshed together almost seamlessly, and Remus' only real regret was that they hadn't managed to do this years ago. 

"I have to say, this is a much more satisfying way of watching the show," he said, lips curving into a playful smile. His hand made for the popcorn again, but he missed on purpose, letting his hand come to rest on Severus' thigh. "Not just the cuddling either; now if they show something erotic, neither of us has to take a cold shower."

Severus glanced at him, one eyebrow raised, but he also covered Remus' hand with his own, squeezing gently before draping his arm across Remus' shoulders. "After what we did earlier, you would need a cold shower? I thought after being trussed and ravished within an inch of your life, you would be sated for at least - oh - three or four hours."

"Are you kidding? How can I ever get enough of you?" Remus asked, tilting his head back to give Severus a lustful look. "Every time we make love, it just makes me hungrier for more. Besides, we both have years of celibacy to make up for, you know. After having starved for so many years, I find it difficult to keep from indulging in the feast."

"Hhm. Yes." Severus allowed a hint of a smirk to curve his mouth as he bent to brush a kiss to Remus' lips. "I understand that sentiment well enough. Given the direction things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if we are both eager for another round after watching each week. Will and Evan certainly are steaming up the screen." He paused, feeling a slight twinge of guilt. He had never owned up to creating a false identity, although he knew the conflict had driven Remus crazy. "I wonder if tonight's episode will draw out that stupid girl who doesn't like slash again. Or did you ban her?" he asked innocently.

Remus didn't say anything for a moment, trailing his fingers over Severus' thigh in lazy circles. "They are hot together, aren't they?" he said casually. "No, I didn't ban her, nor do I think I'll have to. She made such a stink about the writers _never_ getting Evan and Will together, she'll no doubt expire of humiliation now she's been proven wrong about the kiss. Not that I cared for her overly much, as horrible as that sounds for me to admit. I much preferred lugosi_dies, although I couldn't take sides in the argument. It wouldn't have been fair, you know."

Schooling his features into a carefully neutral expression, Severus reached for a handful of popcorn. "Oh?" he asked in as casual tone as he could muster. "I thought that one might have caused you a headache. He or she didn't exactly pull any punches, if I recall the comments correctly."

"Maybe a small headache, but I think he more than made up for any discomfort he caused in the satisfaction he gave me," Remus replied, pausing in his caress of Severus' leg to tighten his hand. "After all I can hardly fault him for defending slash so strongly, now can I? It's all been to my benefit."

"You seem to be quite confident that lugosi_dies is male," Severus replied, studying Remus' face intently. He wondered if perhaps Remus suspected he was behind the persona, but he wasn't quite ready to confess yet.

"As certain as I am that you were male," Remus said, looking up with an innocent smile. "And a good thing for me, don't you agree? After all, I'd have been very disappointed if I had been indulging in any other kind of wank with you than the one we ended up with."

Severus wasn't fooled by that innocent smile, not for an instant, and he fixed Remus with a suspicious glare. "Out with it - you knew it was me all along, didn't you."

Remus couldn't hold it in any longer, and he chuckled. "Yes, I did. You have to realize that you have a very... unique way of expressing yourself. Just as I knew that Pir8blocker was an educated older man, so did lugosi_dies come across the same way to me. And given that as far as I can tell, you and I are the only forty-something males in the community, it wasn't too much of a stretch to put two and two together."

With a grumbling sigh, Severus slid lower against the cushion. He had thought he was being clever, but he supposed he hadn't disguised his "voice" well enough. "I only did it so you wouldn't have to send me another reprimand by email. I thought it might spare you a headache or two if you didn't feel torn between your loyalty to the community and your relationship with me."

"I appreciate your trying to spare my feelings," Remus replied, tongue firmly in his cheek. "But Severus, you should know that it could never have gotten to the point of me feeling torn, especially not after that evening. I like the show, I enjoy the fandom... but I _love_ you, whatever guise you might be wearing. I was already starting to feel it at that point, I think, and there is no way I would have put moderating that community anywhere near the importance of a relationship I was desperately hoping would become more than just an online relationship. Not to mention the fact that you were quite right in everything you said to her. A very naughty part of me hopes that she fainted when Will and Evan really did kiss!"

Mollified, Severus shifted closer, his scowl smoothing out somewhat, and he reached for more popcorn. "I imagine she was so disgusted, she washed her hands of the entire thing. The ironic thing would be if seeing the kiss made her change her mind. I shan't hold my breath, however." Tightening his arm around Remus, he rubbed Remus' shoulder and leaned his cheek against the top of Remus' head. "I am quite glad to know I take priority over the community. It would be most distressing to think I took a back seat to a flock of squeeing adolescent girls."

"Never in a million years," Remus vowed. He picked up the bowl of popcorn and sat it on the sofa table, and then he crawled into Severus' lap. Winding his arms around Severus' shoulders, he smiled up at him tenderly. "I do hope she learned a lesson. Just as we have. One about not making hasty decisions about how you feel about something, since it might turn out to be the very thing you were searching for all along." 

He craned up, kissing Severus softly on the lips for several long moments before pulling back and stroking Severus' cheek with his fingertips. "So, have I been sufficiently impertinent to deserve being chastised again? Or would you prefer me to show you all about my fetish for neck biting accompanied by partially clothed shagging against the wall? Or perhaps bondage... So much to choose from, I don't know where to begin."

Sliding his arms around Remus, Severus smoothed his hands up and down the length of Remus' back, popcorn and telly forgotten in the face of much more desirable entertainment. "We indulged in the uniform fantasy already tonight. I think it's time to play 'The Seductive Vampire and His Innocent But Willing Victim'. After that, perhaps we should make a list. We have the rest of our lives to explore every fetish and fantasy to our hearts' content."

"A lifetime isn't enough," Remus replied softly, even as he shivered in delighted anticipation beneath Severus' caressing hand. "But I suppose it will have to do." He widened his eyes, blinking them in a parody of innocent confusion. "Why, however did I find myself here in yours arms, you brooding hunk of man? What do you intend to do with me?" He licked his lips. "Whatever it is, I think I might like it."

Severus tightened his arms around Remus, gazing at him with an exaggerated version of vampiric intensity. "I intend to hold you in my thrall and make you my eternal companion of the night. But for right now, it is not your blood I want to suck..."

-end-


End file.
